Amy Lu's View

Today turned out to be a self-improvement day. Sort of.

• I ran my “long run” (2 hrs, 15 minutes) for my half marathon training plan. But…it really sucked. My pace was the slowest it’s ever been on such a run, the weather was rather crappy, my heart rate monitor wasn’t working, and I’ve got blisters on my toes (a new ailment).
• I tried to learn a little Spanish using the app Babbel, but my performance was pretty abysmal. I am hopeless when it comes to learning the forms of “estar.”
• I’ve been eating chips nonstop ever since my run, negating any health benefits, and probably not helping with learning Spanish.

Pissed off Sprouty B

Chip debris

Hmmm, I guess a list of three failures doesn’t seem all that noteworthy afterall…and I DID spend some quality time with Sprouty B (one of our poor neglected cats) and caught up on some old saved Facebook posts. (OMG so many recent memories that I’ve already forgotten in addition to profound feels, like the Rolling Stone article about the Best Buffy episodes that reminded me of how Buffy’s mom died just a few month’s after mine).

So did tonight bring me closer to my “Best Self” or send me further away? In my faith community of Unitarian Universalists, we’re a ltitle obsessed with our Best Selves. It’s both inspiring and annoying.

The popular culture (at least in liberal circles) also seems obsessed with “authentic selves.” I’m ambivalent about embracing and embodying my authentic self, too. Is my authentic self my best self, or are they in fundamental conflict? Creative tension?

What if my authentic self is just a bitch?

And then there is the whole idea of “whole self,” or “bringing your whole self to work.” (Have I blogged about this before?) I was super skeptical of this idea when I first heard it. Now I have more understanding that it’s potentially really important for people who have felt they’ve had to hide part of their culture or identities to fit in with the dominant white and straight culture at work. That’s definitely NOT cool.

But really, no one probably needs or wants ME to bring my whole self to work, or anywhere else. I don’t even want that. Yes, I love the idea that you (anyone) would love my whole annoying-ass self no matter what, but still, some self-censorship is good. If you want unconditional love and acceptance, get a pet. (Perhaps not Sprouty B).

How did this rant spring from my self-doubt stemming from a bad (really a series of bad) runs? I don’t know, but the Beatles song “Getting Better All the Time” keeps popping in my head. (And yes, this is a song that takes a light-hearted approach to being a domestic abuser, definitely NOT cool).

“I’ve got to admit it’s getting better (Better)
A little better all the time (It can’t get no worse)”

Well it could get better, OR worse, and vary from day to day. Both the little and the big things.

Maybe what’s most important is that I try to get better, whether or not it’s my most authentic or best self driving the bus. And luckily, I probably don’t even need my whole self to do it (most of me can probably even stay home and eat chips).