Amy Lu's View

It was 35 years ago (more or less) but I still remember the simple joy of unexpectedly hearing one of my favorite songs, Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed,” on the radio and dancing around my friend’s dining room on a bright sunny day in June.  

I think I’m also likely to always remember what a crappy turn the rest of the day took: I got in a car accident (as attendees at a recent MSUS storytelling evening might recall). But one of the important life lessons of that day was that whatever follows an experience doesn’t negate the reality of an experience in the moment. 

And the fact that my performance wasn’t all that good doesn’t negate the fact that I am amazed that I did as well as I did with my performance of “Maybe I’m Amazed” at the most recent MSUS Zoom coffeehouse. (Luckily, no car accidents were involved). 

Coffeehouse often makes me aware of something I can best describe as the opposite of the Dunning Kruger Effect. My understanding of this Dunning Kruger Effect phenomena, at least as it relates to performance, is when one thinks they are a pretty awesome singer/actor/drummer (whatever) and…they’re not. (It would be an AWEOSME band name). So the opposite, or at least relatively far from that point on the continuum, effect is thinking you totally bombed it and then watching the recording (sober, no less) and realizing your performance wasn’t actually that bad. 

So once again I will assure y’all that I’m not quitting my day job (or my “early evening since I didn’t bother to get focused and start working until late in the morning job”) but I am amazed at how good “Maybe I’m Amazed” went. Such as, the really obvious time when “I forgot the right chord and came in late section” that felt like FOREVER while I was actually living through it goes by pretty quickly on the video. Those of you not completely absorbed in ME may not even notice. 

“Maybe I’m Amazed” was one of the most challenging “playing piano while singing” songs I have attempted and I’m thrilled that I more or less sang on key (or not obviously off-key for extended periods) while keeping the piano accompaniment going. 

I love that I’m amazed by the success of my performance, and I love the idea of being amazed. 

I think “amazement” is a wonderful supplement or alternative to “gratitude”. I think we should encourage gratitude as much as possible, but it can feel a little overdone. Being amazed also gives us a little more wiggle room…such as, I may not be grateful that StanLee is barking so loudly, but I am amazed. I am not blaise. 

There are many layers to amazement. Such as, like the narrator of the “Maybe I’m Amazed” song, I am amazed that “you” (Chad) are literally “with me all the time” because there is a pandemic in the dead of winter and we rarely ever leave the house, and also, because “you” (Chad) have stayed with me metaphorically for 30 plus years. 

I’m amazed that you have been with me for 30 plus years because I am (almost) 51 which isn’t a “poor me, I’m so old” comment (although there is some of that) but a “Seriously, Holy Sh#t, where have the years gone?” 

I’m amazed that we ever connected in the first place. I’m amazed I can still play piano after roughly 40 years of first taking lessons. I’m amazed that we can afford a keyboard (that I have a day/early-evening job) and that we have the technology and skills (Chad’s) to do performances via Zoom.

I’m amazed that we have a beloved church community to perform to, regularly, after almost a year of not being able to gather together in person.

Did I mention I’m amazed that this pandemic has been a part of our lives for almost a year?!

So yeah, there’s a tremendous amount of gratitude in all of this, but also wonder, and surprise, and shock, and curiosity, and confusion, and fear, and appreciation and bemusement.

Being amazed is not 100 percent “positive,” but it feels more doable and more real when I am irritable, and impatient, and snarky. 

I can be amazed by how snarky I am and also amazed that anyone puts up with me.