Amy Lu's View

I have mixed feelings about returning to my pre-Covid life. 

There. I’ve confessed it. 

It’s weird to feel some reluctance and unease about something that is seemingly universally celebrated, but I’m trying to keep it real. 

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not hoping that the pandemic continues, and I am NOT anti-vaccine. It’s wonderful that so many people are now more safe and connected and less restricted in their daily lives. Everyone who can get a vaccine should as soon as they can.

I also realize that my feelings come from a place of extreme privilege and my specific circumstances (no children at home or out in the world to worry about, no loved ones in congregate care facilities, my ability to work at home, access to good technology, etc., etc.).

I loved my pre-Covid life, and I miss many things about it. This past year has been filled with anxiety and loss and frustration, even though I am so much more fortunate than most. If I thought Covid restrictions would never end I’m sure I would be freaking out about that.  

I loved my pre-Covid life, but I’m just not sure I’m equipped to go back to it. 

I’ve made a lot of changes since Covid, and many of them were weird and hard, but my life now feels pretty full and interesting and meaningful. I can’t quite imagine the logistics of adding commute time and getting dressed and prepared for leaving the house time to my life. And how will I fit everything into my life when I won’t be able to multi-task by combining activities like attending church while tidying up the kitchen? (Yes, I know no one is good at mutli-tasking and it just results in doing multiple things poorly but I’ll take a marginally cleaned kitchen over one that is successfully in disarray). 

I think I have a version of imposter syndrome –I don’t feel capable to be the me I was. I look at the life of Amy Before March 2020 and I think “How did she do that?” This imposter syndrome is seasoned with a spicy special sauce of FOMO–not fear of missing out as much as fear of missing opportunities. 

Intellectually, I know I have a lot of power to choose what I want to do, or not do, when life returns to the New Normal. But those choices are so hard for me to make. (Again, a sign of being blessed with so many wonderful options).

I also realize I can take this transition as an opportunity to start re-thinking some of my priorities and choices. And no matter what I want, I can’t exactly go back to being the old me, none of us can, even if we wanted to. This past year has been too impactful and transformative. But I can be more thoughtful about who the new me is. I don’t have to figure it out all at once. I can make mistakes and challenge people’s expectations (including my own) and I will survive if I do regret that I said “no” to something.

I’m posting this confession so friends may understand a little better if I get twitchy during vaccine talk. It’s not you, it’s me. And maybe other people have mixed feelings about what life will be like once Covid is more or less under control, and hearing my confession will be comforting or affirming. You may not have my particular emotional cocktail of self-doubt and guilt, but I do think it’s normal to be conflicted in the face of a big change, even a positive change that we hope for. 

I’m posting this because blogging helps me make sense of my emotions and gives me a feeling of calm and control. If I can write about something, especially in a way that’s more or less fit for public consumption (even if that public is mythical) it makes me a little less angsty, at least for a while. 

I’m pretty sure that however my life changes (or doesn’t) in the New Normal, I’ll want to keep blogging about it.