Amy Lu's View

Baking and enjoying holiday cookies is a beloved tradition for many people. I think this is lovely and wouldn’t want to diminish this joy for anyone, but I did not grow up in a home of baking, and the constant presence of and talk about sweets makes me twitchy. Without going into too much detail about my absurd thinking, “cookie talk” inspires an inner dialogue in me about my food and life choices that never ends up in a happy or healthy place.

But the Frog and Toad story, “The Cookie,” like all Frog and Toad stories, makes me happy. Yes, it’s about cookies, but also about willpower and friendship and priorities.

Recently, in the last month or so, I attended online training about making healthy changes. The instructor explained  that willpower is a limited resource and advised we should not needlessly tax it. We should control our environment and not force our future selves to make choices that might exhaust our willpower (in other words, don’t stock your house with chips and booze, AMY). 

At least, I THINK I attended this training. I even remember liking it–although this was not a new idea for me, it was presented in a helpful way, and clearly I need to hear this message again as I have not implemented it. But I can NOT recall the details of when or where or how I experienced this training. Am I gaslighting myself? Did I have some astonishingly specific and helpful (and boring, as far as reality misapprehensions go) dream or hallucination?  

At least my dilemma isn’t ironic, because it’s not training about improving my memory that I can’t fully recall. 

Whatever the source of this wisdom, it makes a great deal of sense to me that willpower isn’t a moral attribute but a valuable asset that should be carefully used. Why set ourselves up for failure by surrounding ourselves (me) with snacks and booze? Well, probably because I WANT and intend to fail, but also want to create the illusion that I want to succeed. 

Frog and Toad get it, as demonstrated in “The Cookie.” In this story, Frog and Toad go to greater and greater lengths NOT to eat up all of their cookies, which of course they end up doing because they really want to eat all the cookies.

While I like cookies, I can more or less demonstrate willpower around them… BUT, if the “The Cookie” was renamed “The Bourbon” it would be very accurate for Amy (but perhaps less marketable as a children’s story. But just imagine the possibilities for a reboot of the classic “If You Give a Mouse a Bourbon”!). 

I often think about what is more challenging for me…doing something that is hard but generally good for me–like running–or NOT doing something that is enjoyable but ill-advised–like drinking too much alcohol or eating too many processed snacks. 

I often get kudos for running, which I love, but perhaps I should get some more head shakes for my consumption choices? AND there are plenty of things I DON’T do that I think I should–weight training, yoga, meditation, paying attention to StanLee, practicing piano, reading the New York Times.

“The experts” seem to agree that motiviation is key, and that if you have positive motivation to do something–like “meditating will help me feel more relaxed”–you will have more success than if you are just trying to avoid negative consequences.

I think I have also read or heard (again can’t really remember) that willpower is like a muscle. So just like there are limits to our physical strength, there are limits to how much lifting our willpower can do. But if willpower is a muscle, we can do training and make it stronger. I believe we can do this, even though I haven’t had much success with literal strength training or developing my capacity for willpower. And by “haven’t had much success” I mean I haven’t actually tried on either counts, other than occasionally waving some dumbbells around, and trying not to drink a whole bottle of wine in one night. 

I definitely know I have heard/read that habits are extremely powerful in influencing our behavior. (Although I haven’t actually read it and only own a copy of it, I think the book “Atomic Habits” is one such source). Once something is a habit, whether “good” or “bad”–we’re much more likely to do it. So knowing that, we can intentionally try to establish the habits we want and break, or better yet, never form, the habits we don’t want. 

I feel pretty well-equipped with wisdom and insight to make positive behavioral changes and stop habits that I don’t think serve me well, but, just like Frog and Toad, I still have issues with willpower. Whether it’s more helpful to say my willpower muscle is not very strong, or my supply of willpower is not very big, I frequently do (okay, eat and drink) things I don’t think I should. I think at some level my real motivations and desires aren’t aligned with my conscious thinking.

But unlike me, Frog and Toad don’t fret about their lack of willpower too much. They are much more realistic about accepting themselves and each other, and know that their friendship is more important than how many cookies they eat. 

Now THAT is a wise and helpful perspective that I should try to remember to cultivate.