Amy Lu's View

Happy World Theater Day, especially to all the awesome theater-loving people that I have worked on shows with and those who have seen our shows.

This year it feels particularly right to observe World Theater Day, as this year marks the 15th anniversary of when I got involved with community theater with our church’s production of “Our Town.” Okay, technically, it was church theater, but church is a community, and clearly the key point is that it’s not professional theater. 

I love theater. I love seeing it, and I especially love being in it and acting. 

Yes, I love acting, and…it really does a number on my self esteem. I could lovingly chronicle and explore all my acting related self-doubts and anxieties, but that would be pretty boring (which may not stop me in the future). They basically boil down to “Am I any good at this?” and “Will I ever get to this again?” (Okay, I will also give a shout out to the “Why do I always move like a muppet?” denunciation.)

I am definitely experiencing the “Will I ever get to act again?” worry/fear/terror at the moment. I want and need to acknowledge that, and hopefully, being honest and putting it out there will make the anxiety a little less scary. 

But I don’t want to think about my acting future right now, or my fears about it (or the lack thereof). I DO want to stop and reflect on the past 15 years, and really savor how blessed I’ve been, all the amazing experiences I’ve had, and the wonderful people I’ve met, and all the things I’ve learned–about acting and life–and yes, my accomplishments (and tell those voices that say “But yeah, you could have done better!” to f#$k off. I can be rude to my inner critics, right?)

What I have learned about acting and/or myself as an actor:

• Acting is very physical. You don’t just use your mouth to say lines–it’s a whole body endeavor (which is tricky for someone who doesn’t have much body awareness and their default way of moving is to flail like a muppet.)
• Acting isn’t just standing/sitting/flailing around waiting for your turn to talk. You need to listen to the other actors, and react and respond to them. 
• You shouldn’t just learn your lines and only know your cues (see above about waiting for your turn to talk). Your whole performance will be much more effective if you are familiar with the whole play and what is happening in every scene. (I’m NOT advocating diagramming every scene like my talented friend and fellow actor, Pat, although I applaud that this works for him). You especially need to know what the other characters are trying to do in the scenes you’re in, in case someone changes or drops a line, so that you can carry on. 
• Blocking. Oh, blocking. As someone who doesn’t know how they move through space in real life, and gets easily bored by details, I am very spacy about blocking. I could go here, I could go there…and yet, I might get really annoyed and confused if another actor changes their blocking. 
• Emotions. Wow, those are tough. In acting, and real life. My very shallow understanding of the central question inspired by the technique of  “Method Acting” (getting new attention because of the recent book, “The Method” by Isaac Butler, which I, of course, have not read) is do actors have to actually feel what the their characters feel, or just act like they do? I never fully feel what my characters feel–but I don’t think I usually fully feel what I feel. My real Amy emotions are mitigated and controlled by my internal critic  gatekeeper–and shaped by my inner monologue. And crying? Yikes, crying–again, I rarely cry in real life, much less on stage, #GermanMidWesternLutheranByBirth, so does my acting suffer because of that?

Hmmm, this didn’t turn into the celebration of the last 15 years that I was planning on, but getting to do something for 15 years that has caused me to think and ponder and struggle and grow, is definitely something to feel thankful for. 

And no matter how insecure, or vain, I may be–there is no question that I have met incredible people these last fifteen years because of theater. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before, but this is something I’m okay with being repetitive about. People who are talented, and hard-working, and patient, and funny, and brave, and silly, and dedicated, and supportive. 

Maybe what I’ve really learned, and what I really want to celebrate, is how miraculous it is that people can come together and create theater. And not just the actors and the playwrights and the directors and the crew–but the audience. 

Most importantly the audience. In person, or virtual, you really are the most important piece of the puzzle–and not just those of you who give me positive feedback.