Amy Lu's View

I used to be afraid of the dark. Now it just makes me mad. 

I was afraid of the dark not just when I was a kid, but also as an adult, well into my thirties. I’d probably still be afraid of it depending on the circumstances, but now I rarely encounter, or worry about encountering, situations where I find the dark scary. 

In fact, I actually prefer the dark sometimes. Okay, I actually demand it–especially when it comes to sleeping and I find almost any amount of light irritating. My change for light tolerance is perplexing and irritating for Chad, particularly when he wonders, “So now I can’t have a reading light in bed? Didn’t you used to be afraid of the dark?” 

Well Chad, people change. Context matters. 

I’m trying to keep this insight in mind as we “celebrate” Winter Solstice time. For while I like darkness in my bedroom when I’m trying to sleep, I do NOT like it out in the world when we have less than 9 hours of daylight. I also do not like the cold, and while maybe I could handle long nights, long nights while I’m freezing my ass off is a hard NO for me. 

I’m declaring this in the spirit of authenticity as Chad and I just led a Winter Solstice service yesterday. We shared several beautiful and insightful readings (from others) about the value of the Winter Solstice–not because it signals that days are getting longer and we’ve survived the worst of this dark winter hellscape, but because there is meaning and value and sacredness in the dark in and of itself. 

I appreciate that, I even believe that, but I don’t feel it. While I can somewhat appreciate “darkness” and “winter” as metaphors, I pretty much despise and loathe every literal aspect of our current cold and dark weather and climate (and I didn’t even have to do any shoveling because of this last storm. That’s what Chad’s for. Hey, I somewhat earn my keep–I clean the litter box and take out the garbage and recycling when the weather is decent). 

I’m not JUST venting/bitching/complaining–I think unless we honestly embrace how we feel, our metaphors and spiritual insights lose their power. If I’m not upfront about how much I hate this time of the longest night, I won’t really find any meaning in either dealing with it or leaning into it. 

Maybe someday I will learn to appreciate, even prefer, the dark and cold environment, just like I changed my mind about dark bedrooms. (I just hope any change of heart isn’t because of climate change). But until then, I’ll stick with celebrating the Winter Solstice with the “Thank god/goddess/universe/bourbon that at least the days get longer from here.” 

Because of Amnesty International, I know there is a proverb (Chinese, according to Google) that advises “Better to light one candle, than to curse the darkness.”

Well, I’m going to light one candle, AND curse the darkness. And have some bourbon. And try not to knock over the candle. And appreciate how good it smells (cheap sugar cookie scented candle from CVS bought last night for aforementioned Solstice Service) and hope the scent doesn’t trigger sinus issues (at least not ones worse than that already triggered by alcohol and tea). 

If I ever get to a point in my spiritual journey where I do appreciate darkness and cold, it will be all the more profound because of where I currently am and how far I will have traveled/progressed. And if I get “stuck” here, at least I made it this far–and warmer, longer days are coming!