Amy Lu's View

“We’re made for each other.”

Really?

I think this saying is supposed to be romantic, but it doesn’t feel meaningful or desirable to me. I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum–if you feel this saying represents your relationship or is something you aspire to, who am I to be snarky about that? But to me it suggests passivity and effortlessness that I don’t associate with love or relationships. 

At some point, Chad and I came up with our own version of the “We’re made for each other” slogan. We like to say, “We’ve made ourselves for each other.”* (see disclaimer/follow-up at the end of this piece).

What’s the difference? 

I think our version rejects the idea that there is some cosmic plan for our coupledness. We’re not meant to be. Instead, it focuses on chance and choice. Somehow our paths crossed and forces we couldn’t control as well as those forces we could have led to our relationship to feel right and normal and relatively easy. 

Saying “we’ve made ourselves for each other” also highlights that we’ve grown and evolved together, and made compromises big and small. We don’t usually notice this process, and when we do, we mostly feel it’s been a gift. We’ve become better and more because we’re part of this thing that’s a combination of both of us. 

But sometimes, we feel annoyed and even angry. Sometimes, feeling like you’ve changed because of another person, even if you wanted to, even if you’ve chosen to, feels like a loss. 

Sometimes we say “No–I’m not going to change,” or “I’m not going to expect you to change.”

I don’t think we make ourselves and each other only for romantic relationships, but all relationships–with other individuals, communities, and our social and physical environments. Sometimes we’re remade without having many good options, or the ability to put on the brakes.

I like the possibilities and nuances I find in saying “We’ve made ourselves for each other,” but as I’m thinking about all of this, I realize that isn’t the best way to describe how love changes us and gives us the power to change another. 

Because we’re never “made”–as a proposed change to our national Unitarian Universalist bylaws points out (#ChurchNerd), we’re never finished or perfect, nothing is. Yes, Chad and I have made ourselves for each other to get to this point, but we’re not done. We’re making ourselves for each other. We’re continuing to choose to be changed and to be a catalyst for change, as we create new versions of ourselves as individuals and as this additional thing (we call it Chamy) we make together. 

Not only do I feel like I’m making and remaking myself so I can be in a long-term relationship with Chad, but also so I can be a part of our church, Michal Servetus (MSUS). Sometimes, being a member of the MSUS community feels effortless, and I can’t imagine a reality where MSUS isn’t a huge part of my life. Sometimes being a part of this community feels like a challenge, or a burden, or a catalyst for me to be something different. 

I think being changed because of someone, and changing others, and changing together, and even saying “no” to change that isn’t right for you, is part of love. 

At least my time loving Chad, and loving MSUS, has made me think that. 

*Disclaimer/full disclosure: Chad thinks our version of this saying is “We’ve made each other for each other.” I like my version better because I think it highlights our individual choices and our willingness to be changed. He likes his version better because he thinks it emphasizes how we influence and shape each other. 

I wrote this piece for a church service we did on “love”–something that’s become a tradition for us around our anniversary time–and while I went with Chad’s version for the service, my way wins for my blog. 

One could argue that it’s not really “our” saying if we have two different ways of saying it, but I think that makes it a quintessentially Chamy saying.