Amy Lu's View

In the lead up to today, I’ve been thinking about how funny, and perhaps deeply meaningful, it is that Valentine’s Day and Lent are on the same day. Chocolate and romance and sacrifice and contemplation all mixed into one?

I had such lofty dreams. Could I combine these two seemingly disparate holidays and  meaningfully vow to give up things that stand in the way of loving and connection? Could I abstain from (or at least reduce) fear, defensiveness, distraction, and just general bitchiness for 40 days?

Um, sure?

As I have said before, I seem to be more successful at doing things rather than not doing things. So I also thought about declaring my intention to do some things I love (or helps me do things that I love better) for 40 days.

Morning Me had such high hopes. I could vow to practice drums and piano for 15 minutes EACH every day! (If that doesn’t sound like much…well, it’s amazing how much I can get away with. Just imagine what a virtuoso I could be if I practiced). AND I could do a writing 10-minute writing exercise (inspired by something that Chad is doing) every day. That’s less than half an hour a day of self-improvement and artistic fulfillment, right?

Now Me smiles at such naivety.

I’m now officially declaring that in the spirit of Valentine’s Lent, I will do ONE creative/self-actualization practice per day (drums/writing/piano) AND be less bitchy while I do it (and nicer to Chad in general). For today, Day 1, I played drums. And while I can’t really say if I was less bitchy to Chad, I barely saw him, so I had less oppportunity to be bitchy but that counts.

Notice there are not declarations to give up (or even reduce) alcohol, diet soda or chips.

I never heard of Fat Tuesday as a kid. The whole Mardi Gras thing way too exotic for my rural Wisconsin German Lutheran world. I think even Lent was a little suspicious because it was so Catholic. Anyway, as I understand it, Fat Tuesday is all about indulging in delights that you are planning on giving up for Lent.

Fat Tuesday has limited appeal for me at this point in my life, because I’m pretty set in the food and alcohol that I’m going to enjoy and in what amounts. By this same logic, Lent doesn’t have much of an impact, as I’m not super motivated to give anything up (the most I aspire to is some indulgence reduction).

But I do like the idea of celebrating the luxuries of life—big and small—and taking some time to be grateful for them.  Not only do I want to be more appreciative of my favorite and well-loved joys, I’m trying to be open to and on the lookout for new decadences, especially those (like massages) that I never thought of as “me.”

(A quick aside about massages—I actually had my first one years ago and loved it, but have yet to make time for massage on a regular basis. I would also love to have more/any pedicures, but running has made my feet a disaster. ((Are double parenthesis a thing….yes, I am indulging in them!…did I mention I finally lost a toenail from running last week?)) ).

So, in no particular order, here are some extravagances, new and old, that I am appreciative of (purposively trying to stay away from food and drink as I feel I’ve covered that pretty throroughly in other posts). And just what is a “luxury”? That’s tricky, because today’s luxury might just be tomorrow’s necessity. I’m also including conveniences that, while in and of themselves are not sensory delights, make life so much easier (I think you will be able to identify those…)

• Temporary tattoos
• Having a paid dog poop scooper come and clean up our yard once a week
• My fuzzy pink bathrobe
• Clothes made out of quality (not your standard Target grade) material
• Our electric matttress pad
• Having groceries delivered from Coborns Delivers
• Dyeing my hair (at-home) every 3 weeks
• Latch hook kits
• Amazon Prime
• Light-up drumsticks
• Our Loot Crate subscriptions
• Any time we get to go to Crooners, especially the Dunsmore room
• Having this blog
• Working from home
• Being in two bands
• Alexa (even though she frequently pisses me off)
• Precut vegetables
• Halo and Dannon Light and Fit Greek yogurt (have to have SOME food things)
• Marathon training (seriously, you have to have an extravagant amount of time for this) and races in general (cost some real cheddar)

So while none of these things are likely to make me fat—without a lot of effort—(that’s what booze and chip/crackers are for) they are pretty phat. (Using seriously outdated slang is another indulgence!)

“You’re not very good at not doing things…”

Chad told me this at the end of our weeklong vacation in Florida last week. And yeah, I got a titch defensive. What do you mean, are you saying I can’t relax? So then we chatted, (over day drinks)d, about how not doing things isn’t the same as relaxing…

I really am not good at not doing things. And, perhaps even more importantly, I’m not good at not planning what things I’m going to do.

But I can do relaxing things, like hanging out in the sun, and day drinking. And it’s probably a good thing thing that I put a fair amount of planning into day drinking (When can I start? How can I minimize the alcohol content without adding too many calories?)  or I’d be in a coma.

I should probably put even more thinking into hanging out in the sun….How does one forget to put sunscreen on their chest? I know mine is relatively small, but still sun-scorchable. I think I was just so concerned about avoiding my standard goofy random strip(s) of sunburn that I forgot a whole section of my torso. At least my sunburn was even and consistent…

In a further attempt to prove that I am NOT hopelessly uptight, I offer this list of more relaxing things I did on vacation:

• Latch hook (just saying it was relaxing, NOT saying it wasn’t lame)
• Watch the 90’s music channel (Clusterflock should do the Cranberries’ “Zombie”! And I had NO idea I knew so much 90’s music).
• Watch messed-up cartoons: Bob’s Burger, Adventure Time, Rick & Morty
• Took and posted selfies
• Watched a frolicking dolphin up-close
• Read 1 1/2 magazine and 2 chapters of a book
• Shopped at Publix

I also did a fair amount of running and ate a lot of salad, chips, and fake ice cream. Not sure if these activities count as relaxing but they definitely aren’t work related, and took a fair amount of time and planning.

So my vacation time doesn’t actually sound  all that much different than my every day time, but it was definitely warmer and boozier. I’ll count that as a win.

It’s almost February, but I think I still have time to proclaim 2018 as the year that I will “Be a Better Drummer.”

Which doesn’t mean that I am currently a crappy drummer. Not that any of my readers are necessarily thinking that, but that’s what my inner critic voice is saying. I have a weird resistance to try to improve or change myself in any way (besides hair color) because I feel it’s a critique of everything that precedes the potential change. I’ll have to work on that.

But back to drumming…for the last 5 years, I’ve been drumming regularly with various student and cover bands and now regularly with Clusterflock. I’ve dusted off the skills I learned in high school (you can read all about my history as a Lady Drummer) and have learned how to play in a real live band with other folks. It’s a blast and my confidence, and perhaps even stage presence (yes another blog) has improved.

I’m definitely a better drummer than I was 5 years ago, but I haven’t devoted any time or thought to actually learning about drumming or improving my technique. As someone recently told me, I’m a very “instinctual” drummer, which means I’ve got the basics down and I’m basically going to do what I’m going to do. Hopefully I’ll keep the beat but don’t expect anything too fancy.

So as we librarians like to say, 2018 could be the year I’m more “intentional” about my drumming. I don’t want to overthink things, but I can challenge myself to be more aware of what I’m doing, and why I’m doing it and try to learn some new things.

And hey, turns out that the internet thing is pretty handy for conveniently accessing knowledge. It was hardly an extensive vetting process, but I’m declaring Jared Falk my new drumming guru. By working on just a few of Jared’s lessons, I’ve already learned how ingrained by drumming patterns are. Doing something that seems technically simpler (at least on paper/screen) can actually be harder if I have to change a habit. Playing less can definitely be more challenging.

I’ve also learned that writing about the specificis of drumming is pretty challenging, but also that I know enough about drumming to understand the difference between “ee” and “ah.” I’m not nearly good enough of a writer to make that difference compelling, but trust me that playing snare on the “ee” instead of the “ah” is a huge shift fot me.

So I aspire to sticking with Jared’s lessons and pushing myself, at least a little, as a drummer in 2018. I’m saying I’ll “be a better drummer” but not by how much. But I WILL be inspired by the Muppets “Can You Picture That”:

Beat down the walls, begin, believe, behold, begat.

Be a better drummer, be an up and comer. Can you picture that?

I lost my Deadpool shirt.

But that’s okay, it will turn up eventually. Or maybe it won’t, because I’m not sure I acutally have a Deadpool shirt. This confusion stems NOT from alcohol consumption (valid guess) but from the shirt in question coming via LootCrate. I’ve seen so many emails ads for a LootCrate with this shirt, I’m not sure if it’s one I actually got or not, or if I just think I got it.

Let me explan that LootCrate is a totally awesome subscription box for geeks. Chad and I both purchased each other subscriptions for various holidays, so every month we each get a box of geekly swag—a t-shirt, collectibles, and comic books for Chad, and some type of clothing or accessory for me. It’s so much fun to get a box of goodies in the mail and we’ve gotten really cool things, like my Batman purse and Dark Willow jacket, and all the cool pins I’m now sporting on my work lanyard.

We don’t always have enough geekly cred to fully understand and appreciate our loot, but it has led us to discover incredibly cool (and disturbing) things like “Rick and Morty.”

The only real downside is that we don’t really have room for all the cool items we’re acquiring…including clothes.

Which leads me to the other reason why I don’t even know if I own a Deadpool shirt…not only do I not have a great short-term memory, but I’m so disorganized and my clothes are such a mess (and okay, yes, I own so much) that it’s not at all unusual for me to forget and/or lose items of clothing.

Unfortunately, losing things like this drive me nuts, which is silly because I do it all the time.  I even have recurring dreams about discovering clothes I didn’t know I own (which I guess can be interpreted literally and symbolically about finding untapped potential, etc. etc….) And there can be an upside to losing clothes to the mysterious depths of my closets and clothes piles. It can be a wonderful surprise to find something that I had given up on as forever lost, or better yet, didn’t even remember I owned.

Perhaps my memory deficiencies even developed naturally because I used to go shopping with my mom to pick out my birthday and Christmas presents, but by the time I opened them, I had forgotten what I had picked out so it was all new and surprising to me (so see, this isn’t just because of age and alcohol). It was the best of both worlds…I got the joy of shopping and getting just what I wanted AND being surprised. (Yes, Chad still thinks this is sad).

I don’t just forget what clothes I own. This morning I uncovered a dog jacket that still had the tag on it that was just perfect for Olive. Yay!

So I’m trying to accept that being disorganized and losing clothes and having a terrible short term memory is just me. I’m sure I could change if I put enough effort into it, but I’m choosing to embrace these Amy characteristics.

Okay, that will work for the mysterious Deadpool shirt. However, I think one of the greatest unsolved mysterious of my life will remain “Whatever happened to theCurrent hoodie that I lost in 2014?” I hope whatever it’s fate, it’s had a good and useful life.

But on my deathbed, instead of uttering “rosebud” I’ll probably mutter “hoodie.” Okay, who am I kidding…I probably won’t have a deathbed. I’ll be lying at the foot of the stairs clutching a bottle of wine muttering “F&*king cat.”

NPR’s Marketplace Weekend show does a regular segment called “By the Numbers” (yes, I’m as surprised as you that I listen to it enough to know that) where they throw out a number so listeners can guess what it is. In that spirit, I give you the number 1,336.7. Is that:

1. how many glasses of wine I drank in 2017
2. how many bags of lettuce I ate in 2017
3. how many hours I spent at Target in 2017
4. how many miles I ran in 2017

Okay, on Marketplace they don’t actually give us a multiple choice, but I wanted to make this somewhat fair. Or maybe it’s not fair, as any of these choices feel plausible to me. The number 1,336.7 could also be how many dresses I bought, how many cat turds I scooped out of the litterbox, or how many times I screamed “Stop saying ‘going forward!” at the radio. (The answer is Number 4, just to be clear).

I’m usually prone to being obsessive about measuring things (probably one of the reasons I like running so much) and I’m especially in the measuring mood as it’s the beginning of a new year. I want to reflect a bit on the year we’ve just wrapped up as I start forming aspirations for 2018. But, to quote “Seasons of Love” from “Rent” (which I admit I’m not a super big fan of):

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear.
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
How do you measure,
Measure a year?

In daylights?
In sunsets?
In midnights?
In cups of coffee?
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife?

In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
How do you measure a year in a life?”

Unfortunately, or unfortunately, I can only know how many miles I ran in 2017 because that’s what my Garmin watch measured. I didn’t count cups of coffee, or cat turds, or hours of tv watched, or any  other markers of my life (although maybe Facebook, Google, or Alexa did…). I’m sure I’d be both bemused and horrified if I knew my actual stats of how I spend my time.

As one year turns into another, I’d like to go a little deeper than just recounting the “highlights” of 2017. Don’t get me wrong, I want to give those highlights their due and savor my achievements. I want to bask in my glory: 2017 was the year I ran my first marathon (Holy S*&t!), played seven Clusterflock shows, two Pigeons from Hell (reborn) shows, and was in five theater productions (one of which was award-winning).

But life is combination of those big, memorable, unique moments (first-time seeing a concert at Red Rocks) and the small, everyday, often repeated rituals (gazillionth time eating a soft poached egg for breakfast). Chad laughs at me for how obsessive I can be about my personal rituals (mostly related to eating) but I crave both the familiar and the new.

Looking back, and going forward (ARGH I can’t believe I just wrote that!!!) I want to pay attention to and appreciate what I’m experiencing…whether it’s a familiar comfort or an exciting new challenge. Luckily for me, many of my favorite things—wine, running, theater, Chad—can be both.

Yesterday Chad and I were in charge of the service at our church. This endeavor involved  choosing and stringing together a selection of readings and songs and presenting them. This is the introduction I wrote for the service:

When Marie asked Chad and me if we wanted to take responsibility for this December 31 service, we of course said “yes.” If you know us at all, you may have noticed that we love to get up in front of others and perform in almost any capacity (well, except dance, we do have at least some understanding of the limits of our ability). We also tend to say “yes” and figure out the details later.

So those details…what should a New Year’s Eve service be about?

“Resolutions” immediately spring to mind for many of us when we think about the coming of a New Year, but Chad and I didn’t want to be too obvious and focus on the type of resolutions that people make to improve themselves and their lives. (Besides, Chad doesn’t make New Year’s Resolutions). But we started turning the word “resolution” around in our minds. Did it have some other meaning that felt especially relevant at the end of a year?

Turns out “resolution” DOES have several different meanings, including, “clarity” (think computer monitors), decision, agreement (as in “conflict resolution,”) commitment, and ending.

Perhaps ironically, we first started pondering “resolution” as “ending,” especially in the narrative context, as the conclusion that comes at the ending of the story. But a resolution is not always quite the same as an ending. According to the website literaryterms.net:

“The resolution…is the conclusion of the story’s plot. It’s where any unanswered questions are answered, or “loose ends are tied.”… The resolution allows a story to end without trailing off or leaving the reader confused or unsatisfied.”

Wow, “confused or unsatisfied.” Personally, I feel that way a lot…am I suffering from a lack of resolution? I don’t just want resolution at the end of a story, I want resolution at the end of a party, a meeting, an argument, a relationship, a life.

My mom died seventeen years ago, and I’m still working on finding resolution to her life story and our relationship. I think I could benefit from the Tibetan Buddhist perspective as described inan  article by scholars Robert Goss and Dennis Klass:

“Tibetan Buddhism recognizes that survivors have many feelings after someone dies. Some feelings, such as regret, longing, guilt, or anger are problematic…because they stem from unresolved relationships with the dying person, what in the West would be called “unfinished business”…few living bonds are wholly positive, so when there are problematic relationships, there are [in Tibetan Buddhism] explicit instructions for resolving negative feelings. Once the feelings are resolved, however, it does not mean that the bond with the deceased is severed.”

Yes, my mom’s life clearly had an ending, but though she’s gone, emotional loose ends (at least for me) have lingered.

I can’t help but compare my feelings of lacking resolution after my mom’s death with my feelings after the recent death of our dog, Oscar. (Yes, I realize I’m comparing my relationship to a dog with my relationship to a person, and I’m not going to apologize for that). The point, at least for our purposes this morning, is that while I’m extremely sad by Oscar’s death and grieving the loss of him as a part of our lives, I don’t feel unsettled by nagging questions. My relationship with Oscar had an ending that is terribly hard, but leaves me with a feeling of conclusion that I can best describe as peace.

Although the end of a calendar year is a mostly arbitrary milestone, we do observe it as a society and so collectively we are looking for resolution to 2017. And unfortunately for us, 2017 leaves a lot of loose ends. I think most of us can agree that many events of 2017 are leaving us confused and unsatisfied.

So at this time when our desire for and lack of resolution feels readily apparent, we’re going to spend this service exploring how we find, forge, and reach for resolution, and how we might deal with not getting it. We’re going to take a look at some other meanings of resolution that I mentioned, too—not just as an ending but as clarity, decision, agreement and commitment. We’ll share readings, stories and music from a variety of sources that have inspired—or at least entertained—us. We can’t promise you will leave today feeling less confused and unsatisfied when faced with a lack of resolution, but hopefully you will feel a little better knowing you’re not alone in this totally human experience.

Today is Day #22 of “40 Days of Awesome” (and yes I successfully continued the streak with a 5 mile indoor track run today).

The number 22 doesn’t have any special significance that I know of to running.  However, because of the play “Panache” that I was in this fall, I know it might have to do with awesomeness, as 22 was the favorite number of my character, Kathleen.

Kathleen loved 22 so much that she made her new friends Harry (Chad) and Jumbo (Gary) play Blackjack with 22, instead of 21, as the highest hand (Kathleen also “loathed and despised” the number 21). It was a pretty  funny part of the play, and great fun to work on, even when I forgot my lines. It was actually quite challenging getting the scenes when we played Blackjack down, because I know absolutely nothing about Blackjack (or cards) but friendship (and alcohol) made the hardwork a joy.

I also know nothing about Numerology, but I learned from Kathleen that in Numerology, 22 is the most powerful life path number. According to my extensive research (googling) Kathleen is right. I even tried to figure out what my life path number is, but quickly gave up because it involves too much math.

One of the many things I love about being a part of theater is that (to steal Current DJ Brian Oake’s catchphrase) I’m always learning. Okay, maybe I’m learning trivial things, like the basics of Numerology, golf, blackjack, and that Scarsdale is in New York, but I’m still learning and expanding my horizons.

Every play I’m a part of also helps me learn a little more about empathy, and how to see the world through someone else’s eyes. I always learn a little more about how to see the commonality between characters that, on the surface at least, seem very different.

I also love how theater weaves itself into my “real” life, and how those connections manifest in surprising and everday ways. I love how Kathleen came back to life for a bit today through the totally unrelated and mundane connection of the number 22 with my running challenge. I think THAT is pretty awesome.

I’m smack in the middle of “40 Days of Awesome.” For a variety of reasons (perhaps for a later post) I’m feeling much less than awesome right now, but the 20^th Day of Awesome still requires a blog post.

“40 Days of Awesome” is a running challenge issued by Runner’s World to run at least a mile for 40 days from Thanksgiving 2017 through New Year’s Day 2018 (https://www.runnersworld.com/rwrunstreak). I’m not sure what the significance of 40 is (beside Lenten associations) but it’s pretty cool that this year it happens to be 40 days from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day. And today, the half-way point, is the start of Hanukkah. Whoa, that’s a lot of cosmic calendar celebratory convergence action going on there.

I’m happy to say that I have successfully completed the first half of the challenge, and have run at least a mile every day for 20 days. In fact, I’ve run 106.9 miles over the last 20 days, which is an average of 5.34 miles per day.

Running a mile every day for 40 days isn’t actually that hard in light of all the running I’ve been doing, except that it’s pretty challenging given the weather at this time of year. I got off to a great start, as Thanksgiving weekend was perfect for running and I ran just over 21 miles over the 4 day weekend. But in general, I suck at winter weather running. Not only am I not a fan of cold weather, I’m scared of falling when it’s icy (and dark).

Luckily, indoor running also counts for the challenge, so it’s been off to the gym for me. Ugh. Running on the track or the treadmill is SO boring.

I’ve never run on a treadmill much. I did 10 miles a couple of years ago before my first 10 mile race and it almost killed me. But I decided to give the “dreadmill” another chance, and I can confidently say I still think it’s worse than track running. Perhaps it’s because I have to pay enough attention to not fall off.

This is also a good time of year for running on the track, because the gym is usually quiet enough that I don’t have to worry about running around, in my opinion, totally clueless and rude walkers who are walking three abreast. Yeah, I may suffer a tiny big from track rage. The upside is at least being irritated is mildly entertaining.

Indoor running is so tedious that some days I can only handle a couple of miles (supplemented by working out on an elliptical or other machine). At one point I harbored the fantasy that I could complete 200 miles in 40 days, but that means I would still have to run 4.65 miles a day and I just don’t think I have that mental fortitude. Plus, unless the weather really cooperates, running is going to be really tough over Christmas when we’re visiting relatives.

So, I’ve done a lot of bitching about this 40 day challenge and made it sound anything but awesome. Then why am I doing it? It’s probably mostly because of ego, and I like having a goal. And I got to join a Facebook group. I also really like tracking and counting things and holidays. I even figured out that if I did 48 Days of Awesome for my 48^th birthday, it would start on Martin Luther King Day.

I think I’m also better at challenges that involve doing things rather than giving up things. I don’t see myself participating in a Dry January any time soon. Although I’ve yet to successfully complete a 30 Days of Gratitude. It’s not that I’m not grateful…in fact I get overwhelmed by what to pick each day (that doesn’t involve eating or drinking). Maybe I like the 40 Days of Awesome because it has such set parameters. Perhaps next year I should try 30 Days of Gratitude but limit it to eating and drinking.

Or maybe I like 40 Days of Awesome because I’m a child of the 70’s and this challenge is being cleverly marketed as “streaking.” I’m pretty sure this running challenge is as close to a streaking as I’ll ever get.

My temporary tattoo that says “Be Present” is fading away more quickly than I was prepared for it to.

If I view my tattoo as an aid in realizing a spiritual truth, this is highly appropriate. My tattoo is a real-time lesson that things don’t last, everything is ephemeral, and all we have is this moment and we need to fully live in the moment to truly experience and savor life.

Intellectually I get this and I aspire to mindfulness, but in actuality, my mind, body and soul are usually lightyears away from the present. To quote Master Yoda’s description of the young Luke Skywalker: “Never his mind on where he was, hmm? What he was doing. Hmm. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.”

I wouldn’t exactly say I crave adventure (unless you define adventure as a band gig or a theater performance or Happy Hour with friends or a glass of red wine) but I am usually craving things. So I’m also usually planning how to make these things happen, and sometimes (but not as much as I used to) worrying about how my plans are going to go.

Yes, yes, I know Master John Lennon, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

I live in the past, too, and certainly spend time re-hashing it. Luckily, I beat myself up over past mishaps much less than I use to, probably in large part due to the influence of Chad’s “that’s over so I’m over it” attitude. I do think I would benefit from a little more reflection (not critical obsession) on the past, especially taking time to enjoy life’s wins, big and small. I want to learn how to give myself a metaphorical cookie.

And I want to treat myself with more temporary tattoos. I’ve become surprisingly enamored with these mini words of wisdom that I discovered as a form of marathon inspiration. The company I get them from (Conscious Ink) sells tattoos for all kinds of circumstances, and my current “Be Present” tattoo was part of a grab bag. I love my tattoos that I associate with the marathon, but I also like the idea of a having a changing variety of wise sayings that I can interpret in different ways.

Although it’s a bit hokey, I like how “Be Present” can also take on a different meaning in this season of presents. Being present with others is really the best present we can give and receive (not claiming I came up with this idea)—which doesn’t mean that I’m opposed to actual tangible presents. Let’s not get radical here.

I’ve already blogged about the unexpected meaning in my “Choose Love Now” tattoo, and I have an aspiration to keep blogging about the wisdom of my tattoos. (“Aspiration” sounds so much more spiritual than “plan”).

Which does bring me back to the tragedy of my fading temporary tattoo. Although these tattoos are designed to fade away, I’m discovering that they do so more quickly in the winter. I like having the tattoos on my forearms where I can easily see them and remember their inspiration. Someone in church asked me if my tattoo was “instructions” and that seems really apt, so I want to be able to see my instructions. Unfortunately, the long sleeves I wear more frequently now that the weather is cold rubs on tattoos on my forearms, and I really can’t think of anywhere that I don’t wear clothes at this time of year. I guess my face is (usually) free of clothing, but again, I can’t easily see that.

What to do? I’ve considered filling my tattoo in with a Sharpie, reminding me of the days when I used to draw “AC/DC” on my brother’s forearm at his request when he was in high school. Yeah, we were badass out there on the tundra in 1982.

So I’m off to make a temporary tattoo maintenance plan….