Amy Lu's View

Last year my sister told me she was getting into Japanese “v-streams” (I think these are basically amateaur mini-travel videos about Japan). I was surprised and heartened by this. Surprised because I don’t think my sister was ever interested in Japan travel or culture before (maybe “Hello Kitty”?…wait, I think that was just me) and heartened because it’s cool to share people’s excitement about something (well, within reason) and I was glad to learn about anything that was bringing her delight as she was experiencing all the difficulties of having cancer. 

We also had an amusing tangential conversation about why Chad and I would NOT be traveling to Japan any time soon (basically, that’s waaayy too arduous of a travel undertaking for us. Count us out until we have teleporters). 

My sister’s Facebook message: “I think Japan is so interesting. I started watching these Japanese travel videos, basically ferry videos with English subtitles. Travelers video their experiences with rooms and food. I started watching when I first found out about my cancer. They are calming. Anyhoo, no matter if it’s a hotel or a boat or the cheapest room or the most expensive suite they always provide pj’s…This one v-streamer did a live stream from a Japanese public flower garden. He walked up these hills and then walked the whole garden with those cool wearable cameras so you feel like you are actually participating. It was so beautiful I cried.”

I love that my sister was finding joy in “small things” like travel videos in the midst of all the big terrible things she was dealing with. I admire her for that, and find inspiration in it. Learning about her interest in Japan also illustrates how people can constantly surprise us. I had no idea that my sister was or would ever be interested in Japan. We only know pieces of someone, we can never know all their facets.

This Friday, June 16, was my sister’s birthday, and she would have been 64. It’s been not quite two months since she died. An ordinary day, and a really meaningful day–what could I possibly do with it?

Thinking back to our messenger conversation about Japan, I decided to visit the Normandale Japanese Garden. It was a lovely garden and it was a beautiful day. I’d like to say that I spent my visit in spirit of reflection and attention, but I was my usual antsy self, distracted by mundane questions such as “Why did I wear pants on this warm day?” and “How bad will traffic be on the drive home?”

Still, it made me feel better to have something to do for my sister’s birthday, and a tangible way to mark the day, and say “Hey, I find today significant.”

There is a sculpture at the entrance to the garden titled “My Heart is Open.” Well, that certainly seemed appropriate. In response to my sister’s death, I’m trying to have an open heart–to love, to memories, to grief, and to gratitude. I’m trying to be open, just like she was, to all the little joys that are available to us, even in the midst of things that are sad and terrible or just irritating. 

My heart is open, but not usually wide open. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, it’s just a little bit open. Sometimes I can only handle a small amount of all the wonder and terror of this life.

“Some things are too big to be seen; some emotions are too huge to be felt.”

― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 6: Fables & Reflections

I heard that quote just last week while I was driving and listening to a Sandman audiobook, and it felt like another extremely on target message.

I can’t see or feel everything my sister meant to me, at least not all at once. I can’t truly take in the beauty of a garden, or how lucky I am to have comfy pants (even when I wear them at inopportune times). But I’m going to keep trying, and I’m going to try and stay open to discovering new things about myself and others.

Still–don’t expect Chad and I will be traveling to Japan in the near future.

*This title is completely unrelated to the content of this post, but I really like how it sounds, and Chad is working on a project about Zen Buddhism, so we have Zen on the mind right now, and Zen IS Japanese…and yeah, I just like how it sounds.