Amy Lu's View

I will always think of my mom, Colleen Luedtke, primarily as “MY MOM.” Two little words that signify the central place she holds in my life and my heart.

But of course, that’s a very Amy-centric way to view my mother’s life. My mom, who died almost 20 years ago, was so much more than only my mom (or even my sister and brother’s mom). She was–among many things–an elementary-school teacher, a pet lover, a grandma, a storyteller, a reader, an aunt, a soap opera fan, and a friend.

I now have much more appreciation for what a good friend my mom was–supportive, dependable, loving, generous and funny. I’m thinking about what it meant for my mom to be and have a friend as my mom’s best friend, Sue, recently died.

Sue and my mom were close friends for about 18 years until my mom died in 2000. They met and became friends because their then pre-teen daughters–me and my friend Jenny–were friends. As Jenny and I headed down our separate paths of adulthood, our moms stayed friends, and actually grew even closer.

When I think about mom and Sue, I think of them “going shopping”. This was a regular outing that lasted all day and involved venturing to the big city of Eau Claire and picking up provisions at Shopko, Target or Walmart and getting lunch. My mom always drove–damn, Sue was brave and/or really, really chill (yes, implying that my mom was NOT a good driver). I’m not sure about Sue, but I think these shopping trips were a lifeline for my mom, and probably very beneficial to the longterm health and safety of my dad as well.

Actually, that’s not completely accurate. When I think about my mom’s friendship with Sue, I really think about laughter. I’m sure they spent some time bitching and crying and just talking, too, but my strongest memories are of them laughing together. Shopping was merely a laughter delivery mechanism.

I’m grieving Sue’s death because she was a kind woman who brought love and laughter to this world, and because I feel sad for Jenny and her family and have at least some understanding of the pain they are experiencing. I’m also feeling untethered because an important tie to my mother and her life is broken. Someone else who really loved and knew my mom is gone. And I regret that I didn’t take the opportunity to have more of a relationship with Sue, to learn about the Colleen that Sue knew as a friend, or to learn more about Sue herself.

Inspired by this regret, I could have a greater appreciation for the brevity of life or a renewed commitment to being a better friend or making deeper connections with others. That would be lovely, and I do hope I’ll take at least some small steps down the path of progress in human connection.

But, I’m only human. Pretty soon I’ll be right back to taking life and my friends for granted. And Colleen and Sue would be kind and understand.

They would just encourage me to take it easy on myself and shop (even if it’s only online) and laugh a little more.

I think I recently channeled Sally Fields. At least I imagine I felt like Sally did when she won the Oscar in 1985 and stated “…I can’t deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you like me!” (While Googling this I learned that “You like me! You really like me!” is actually a misquote).

This surge of affirmation was inpsired by getting on the Too Beautiful To Live (TBTL) fan Talent Show. Brief exposition: TBTL is a podcast that we’re obsessed with (and the inspiration for several other posts including Too Beautiful To Go To The Fair and Brave Blursday). As part of a recent fan Talent show, listeners were invited to send in one minute videos showcasing a talent. Some of the videos would be selected and shown during a virtual Talent Show emceed live by TBTL hosts Luke and Andrew and aired as a live event on YouTube.

I knew immediately that I wanted to enter a submission, and that drumming was my best bet. Drumming is definitely my highest quality amateur talent, and I’m not above capitalizing on the uniqueness of being a middle-aged lady drummer. Yes, I felt a little silly, but I worked on my song and got it filmed and sent in right away. I didn’t want to forget and I didn’t want to overthink it. Luckily, I had recently “wrote” and performed my original drum solo “Pandrumic” for some virtual coffee houses so all I had to do was get it down to a minute.

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The hardest part was actually filming it and getting my phone at a relatively decent angle. The production quality was not high–the lighting was dark–but I figured it was as good as I was going to achieve. (Given what a narcissist I am I really should invent in a better filming set-up, but that would also take technical skill and knowledge. #LazyNarcissist).

We had no advance notice of what acts would be featured on the TBTL Talent Show, and I didn’t expect to make the cut. As Chad had warned me the night before the show in a well-intentioned effort to manage my expectations and avoid disappointment, Luke and Andrew had told listeners that they had a LOT of entries and they would only get to feature a few. (And of course, there were going to be a lot of videos featuring adorable kids and pets to compete with).

I was looking forward to watching the show even without thinking I would be on it–I knew my fellow TBTL fans would be talented and interesting and that Luke and Andrew would do an awesome job hosting it. But yeah, a small part of me hoped I WOULD be on it.

AND HOLY S#%T I WAS!

A few observations from being on the TBTL Talent Show:

• I loved watching Andrew and Luke groovin’ to my song. Seeing people react to my music (or acting) is magical.
• I’m happy that a fellow fan said in the comments that it was cool that I look “chill”…based on my friend Pat’s reaction to my “low-key” drumming style I’m always a little self-conscious that I seem blaise, so I love seeing this counted as as a positive.
• I’m happy I was one of the first entries…my Type A tendencies apparently got things off to a good start.
• I started out as a kid learning to play with a drum pad like Luke mentions. I didn’t get a drum set of my own until I was 17…which was almost too late to make much use of it, at least for my high school career (I used the drums at school). My mom really wanted me to have a drum set and it was almost more of a dream for her than me.
• My older brother set me on my path as a drummer so I don’t know how badly I wanted it, but was happy to follow the advice of my brother.
• I love that someone noticed and liked my headband!
• The pun “Pandrumic” was a hit!
• No promises on how long this will last, but I am inspired to actually put in some time practicing the drums because apparently I do have some talent (yes, #AlwaysInsecure) and could maybe get better if I make a little effort.
• The TBTL community is AWESOME and fellow fans are so sweet and supportive. (There’s no really good way to work this in but the whole TBTL community–fans and staff–have definitely been tuned into recent national events and the main TBTL focus, this post to the contrary, has NOT been on entertaining me or stroking my ego).

And I felt like people liked me, they really liked me*. And I really like that.

*purposefully using the misquote because it fits my purposes better

Since lockdown/shelter-at-home/quarantine started, one of our favorite radio shows, Live Wire (hosted by one of our favorite podcaster/media personalities, Luke Burbank), has moved to a “house party” format including a weekly question for the audience to weigh in on. Obviously, the world has been waiting for me to pontificate on these questions of deep philosophical import.

After careful thought and consideration, I now offer my insightful opinions and experiences. So as not to overwhelm the world with wisdom, I’ll answer just the first 4 weeks of questions (so yes, this hopefully is the beginning of a series for you to look forward to.) It’s interesting to think back on 100 days of Chamy solitude to compile answers and reflect how life has changed since mid-March.

What fictional character would you like to add to your quarantine situation? Wow I struggled with this one, because most of my favorite fictional characters seem like they could get irritating to actually live with. Chad and I talked about how the best candidate would be entertaining and/or helpful, without adding any unwanted “romantic tension” to the Chamy household. That ruled out almost every character we could think of. And then, last night, while belatedly watching an episode of the “The Mandalorian,” it occurred to me that Baby Yoda (yes I know that’s not actually Baby Yoda) would be a good fit–adorable and easy to take care of (apparently they can be left alone/ignored for long periods of time. A child we could maybe actually successfully parent!). I think Baby Yoda could hold their own with StanLee and the cats.  

Acts of kindness I’ve witnessed: Another hard question because since I’ve barely left the house, I haven’t actually seen many acts at all, kind or otherwise. But I’ve been really amazed and fortified by how our church has created a virtual community, and the support and love we can show each other through something so simple as our weekly virtual coffee house on Saturday nights. I’m also going to count Acme Comedy Club’s Zoom shows as a kindness–another deeply appreciated avenue for laughter and connection. 

Tell us about a small win that felt really good: Blogging always feels like a win, and I feel accomplished that I completed my “50 Days of Blogging” challenge during quarantine. For things that I didn’t do very often in the before times, I count every time I’ve called friends or family a “win”–just because I really hate using the phone. And going back to our church’s virtual coffee house–every performance for that has felt like a win!

What’s been an unexpected addition to your daily routine? Not an addition necessarily but an amplification–I spend even MORE time chopping vegetables, as I am assembling almost every meal we eat. Which leads me to remark on a new weekly routine–takeout or delivery from a local restaurant on Sunday nights. 

So there you go–my answers to what is basically basically, a public radio version of a Facebook quiz). Would love to hear your answers, too, and please stay tuned for volume 2!

I was just starting to think I needed to get serious about planning for any 25th Anniversary festivities we might want to have, when COVID-19 hit (or made its way into public awareness). So luckily for me, I didn’t have to cancel anything.

Instead, we officially and publicly observed our anniversary via Zoom (of course) with a service on love that we led for our church this past Sunday.

We actually prepared this service for our anniversary last year and did it IRL at the UU church in Nora. It went so well that we decided months ago to do it again at our home church for our 25th anniversary, which MSUS graciously agreed to. We were intending to do this as a traditional in-person service, but since our church transitioned to virtual services early on during the pandemic, we just had to adjust to the new mode of transmission.

So we didn’t have to do a lot of preparation for the service, as luckily the script held up really well when we re-read it. This wasn’t a vow renewal, but a collection of music and readings and some of our own writings (including the sermon Chad gave for our friends’ Megan and Allan’s wedding) that we curated. We mainly just had to work on devising the best camera and mic set-up and practice getting through the readings without crying–we didn’t even get too grumbly with each other.

All we changed was one of the songs we performed, as Chad had the brilliant idea that we could pull off a stripped-down version of The Pretenders’ “Message of Love.” It turned out surprisingly well, if I do say so myself.

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It wasn’t the experience we planned on and we missed being with friends and loved ones in person. But as we’ve learned with other virtual events, there were aspects to appreciate. It was lovely that Chad’s family and our Maid of Honor Marcia were able to “be there” since they didn’t have to travel to attend. And I now have a video of part of the service that I can foist upon–I mean share with– others. (No widespread posting because of copyrighted material).

More surprisingly, while it felt disconnected not being able to see our “audience” while we were reading from a screen, it also felt intimate and appropriate to invite people into our home of 20 plus years for our anniversary. What better setting to talk about love than our dining room, with yes, some of our most beloved bottles of booze in the background?

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Chad and I both had statements in our vows about cherishing the ordinary. For us (and we know we’re immensely privileged to be in this situation) COVID has forced/allowed us to slow down and spend more “ordinary” time together. And while I certainly miss so much about “normal” life, I do value getting to spend more time with Chad and have gained a new appreciation of all the little joys of daily life together. (This of course does not negate all our feelings of frustration at all the irritations of daily life together).

And while we don’t usually make music together and dance around our dining room like we did when we performed “Message of Love” during our service, we could. Maybe now we sometimes will, even without an audience besides StanLee? Hmm, an intriguing possibility to explore for the next (hopefully!) 25 years of Chamy.

With the start of the Memorial Day Weekend, I’m officially declaring it the kickoff of The Chamy 25th Anniversary Celebration/Commemoration Season. (I’m not sure exactly how long this will last but be prepared for anywhere between 10 days and a year. It probably won’t finally end until we get to take our postponed Anniversary Vacation which is rescheduled for May 2021).

So a heartfelt and hearty “Thank You!” to you–we wouldn’t be celebrating this milestone, or at least not as quite the same couple, without you. Unless you happened to randomly stumble across this and have truly never met or interacted with us before, you’ve played some part in helping us become the people we are today–as individuals, and as a couple.

Don’t worry, we’re not going to blame you for anything bad (at least not too bad!)

In honor of our anniversary, we’re leading a Zoom service on love at our church, Michael Servetus Unitarian Society, on Sunday. To describe the service I shared this as part of my annual pledge testimonial: “More than half of our married life has been spent at MSUS and we wouldn’t be who we are without MSUS. We’re so thankful to still have this space to honor our anniversary, even when all our other plans have gone awry.”

“The Web” is one of our treasured Unitarian Universalist ideas. Thank you to everyone who has supported, inspired, comforted, amused, and put-up with us during the last quarter century, and helped hold us together in the Web. In addition to every thing and every one I am aware of and can remember there are all the little ways the web of existence and the web of community has held us in ways we weren’t even aware of.

I can’t possibly acknowledge and thank everyone, but in addition to our MSUS community, I want to give a shout-out to The Scooby Gang, The Flock, Rubric Legal, Pigeons, Applause Community Theatre, Duck Soup, The Girl Posse, Twin Town Guitars, our NE Minneapolis neighbors, Hennepin County Library, the running community, and our families and parents.

Perhaps you have helped us be Chamy by:

• Drinking, laughing and crying with us (together or individually)
• Making music with us
• Creating plays with us
• Coming out to watch us make music or theater
• Making it possible for us to have an income and meaningful work
• Helping us have a safe and comfortable home and neighborhood
• Listening to us grumble and complain about each other
• Listening to us grumble and complain about life in general so that we sometimes vented to someone besides our spouse
• Listening to numerous inane stories about our domestic life (okay, mostly “my” stories)
• Helping us be our individual selves
• Putting up with our couple schtick (a special nod to those who have been in plays with us)
• You’ve looked at photos (old or newish) that I’ve posted of us on Facebook

As Chad oh so wisely wrote in the sermon he gave when he officiated at our friends’ Megan and Allan’s wedding:

Marriages are both intensely private and joyously public. They are between two people who love each other, but they are also pronouncements to the world that “Hey everybody, we really mean it. Honor our love, support it, and sometimes, if we need it, remind us about it.”

–Chad

Huh, I don’t think I can add to that, so luckily, I don’t have a problem with letting Chad have the last word.

Sometimes I don’t really know what I think I know.

This was illustrated for me recently when a friend asked what the Sondheim song “Send in the Clowns” is about. He had just performed it for our church’s virtual coffee house.

I confidently started replying about how I loved the song and we had recently seen an astounding performance of it from Twin Cities theatre star Sally Wingert and…it was about…

I ended up mumbling something about disillusionment and an aging actress. Which probably was simplistic but not totally inaccurate. And gave Chad the opening to introduce me (I was next up on the bill with a monologue) with “speaking of aging actresses…”

Which led to groans and my protestations of “but I AM an aging actress which is better than the alternative.” (And really, we’re all an aging something. I’m also an aging librarian, runner, drummer, wife, pet owner, friend, blogger–you get the idea).

Days later, I’m still struck by how confident I was in what I knew until I tried to actually articulate it. As a child of the 70’s I have a powerful memory of watching Bernadette Peters sing the song and feeling like I got it. I’ve always understood this song, haven’t I?

I think that’s the power of a great song–it feels meaningful, even if that meaning is beyond words, or the meaning isn’t what the song is literally about. (Although assuming “Send in the Clowns” is actually about disillusionment, I do think I had an understanding of that, even in the 70’s, even as a kid, although probably a different understanding than I do today).

I also think it’s a great illustration of how we assume we know something until we really stop to think about it. For me, there’s nothing that encapsulates this better than trying to explain something to someone.

I think this also illustrates that I really suck at explaining things. Maybe that’s one of the reasons that I’m a librarian rather than a teacher–as a librarian I can give you the resources and let you draw your own conclusions. In that spirit, I don’t intend for this post to really unlock the mystery of “Send in the Clowns”–there is the interweb for that. (Wikipedia even does a serviceable job).

But after thinking about it a little bit more, I think it means (at least on some level) that if things aren’t going well, make a spectacle out of it. Don’t shy away from the failure, embrace it.

Maybe this is how having the point of view of the song from an actress (aging or not) is relevant–it’s all about telling and crafting your own story, even if the story isn’t going as you hoped. You can still find meaning (or at least entertainment/blog inspiration) in it.

*NOT in the creepy “Poltergeist” way (which I’ve never seen and don’t intend to)–although clowns can be creepy.

Yesterday I ran 2.23 miles in honor of Ahmaud Arbery, a young black man who was shot and killed on February 23 by two white men while he was out on a run. Arbery would have turned 26 on Friday so there is a “#IRunWithMaud” social media campaign to run 2.23 “Miles for Maud.”

I’m not sure I should post this–is it somehow disrespectful for me, a middle-aged white lady wrapped in privilege, to declare I’m appalled by the murder of a young black man? Is Facebook social activism so silly it’s offensive? Am I just jumping on a fad?

I think all these concerns are valid, but I also think there are more layers to this. I was struck and moved by seeing others post “#IRunWithMaud” on Facebook and it made me think more deeply about his death. So I decided to run 2.23 miles and post about it in honor of Ahmaud Arbery when I learned his high school football coach supported the campaign: https://www.cnn.com/2020/05/08/world/ahmaud-arbery-support-run-trnd/index.html.

I won’t claim that I spent all, or even most, of my run thinking about a young man I never met. But I did think about how lucky I am that I can run anywhere, and go almost anywhere, without anyone thinking I’m somehow a threat or don’t deserve to be there.

And I did think about how powerful it is that running gave me some commonality, no matter how small, to someone who’s life was very different than mine because of age, gender and race.

And I was (and still am) very, very thankful that I can get out and run. It’s a striking coincidence to me that the distance of this memorial run, 2.23 miles was almost exactly the distance I had been hoping to work up to after slowly returning to running. (Yes, to make this–I’m very excited to say I ran a tota of 11.23 miles last week! Saturday’s run of 2.23 was my longest. I hope to make it up to 3 miles by the end of this week).

Chad and I are supposed to be on our big vacation now to celebrate our 50th Birthdays and our 25th Wedding Anniversary.

Obviously, we’re not.

And obviously, I’m disappointed, but I don’t intend this post to be an “I’m Missing My Vacation Lament.” While I am bummed that we’re missing our vacation, I am really gratefuly that we’re both healthy, and employed and safe. I’m even–in some ways–digging spending so much time at home.

I DO intend this to be a “Don’t Forget This a Year of Important Milestones for Amy” post. That’s right, 50th Birthday and 25th Wedding Anniversary. Don’t think I’m going to miss out on calling attention to myself just because I’m having to forgo all the vacation photo opps. (Our anniversary isn’t until May 27).

Also, I want to give Chad a shout out for coming up with the vacation idea and surprising me with it for Christmas 2018 (that’s right, we’ve been planning this for a LONG time).

But what was the vacation we were going to go on? We were supposed to be exploring the Pacific Northwest, including the San Juan Islands and the Olympic National Forest.

We were actually booked on a CRUISE, but a cruise on a very small ship, with only 22 passengers. The company we were booked with is even called UNCRUISE Adventures. I was very nervous to tell people we were going on a “cruise” as the COVID pandemic unfolded. I’ve never been on a traditional cruise, and of course this year would have been a horrible time to be on one. I was also nervous to tell people that we were leaving from Seattle, one of the earliest and hardest hit cities by COVID.

I was honestly relieved when the travel company informed us the cruise wasn’t going to happen this year. (We are rescheduled to May of next year). I was a little worried that they would go ahead with the cruise and make us cancel (and lose our money) or that they would just cancel outright (although now I’m starting to worry that 2021 looks iffy for travel).

If I can put my anxiety and obsessing aside, or at least reign it in a bit, I now have a whole extra year to savor the expectation of going on vacation. I do think it’s well-documented that anticipation is a key component of happiness (just look at this article title even if you don’t read it, “Get More Bang for Your Happiness Buck: Revel in Anticipation“).

I can now stretch our anniversary celebration/commemoration out for a WHOLE year (you thought my “birthday month” was impressive, but wait, I can stretch that out, too!) and the 26th Annivesary is the “jade” anniversary, which sounds much more sexy and mysterious than “silver.” (Silver is just my natural hair color now).

I’ll also have more time to blog about our anniversary, AND I won’t have to deal with the stress of packing (at least for another year).

I wore a dress today.*

This seems worth noting because it was the first time I’ve worn a dress since March 12, and I used to wear dresses (or skirts) just about every day. I wore dresses because for me they were easy, comfortable, and made me feel good. I didn’t have to wear dresses, or even get that dressed up, for work, and seldom wore super dressy or professional dresses.

I think it’s worth acknowleding that I used to wear dresses and now I don’t, not because I’m sad that I don’t wear dresses anymore, but just because it’s a tangible sign of change. I could still wear dresses, particularly my casual, comfortable ones, if it makes me happy–even if I don’t leave the house or see people besides Chad in person. And maybe I will, especially now that the weather is getting warmer.

I like wearing dresses, but I’ve also discovered the perks of wearing pants, including what can best be desribed as lounge pants. Recently, I’ve become rather obsessed with finding clothes that make me feel like I’m not wearing pajamas, but that I can also wear on short, mid-day runs. I’m so much more likely to fit a run in if I don’t have to change my clothes.

Luckily, I’ve discovered that my preferred bra (which I discovered before COVID) can successfully be worn on a run, even though it’s not a sports bra. #SmallBustPerks. (These mid-day runs without a clothes change will probably not be possible when the weather gets too much warmer).

Another advantage of not regularly wearing dresses is I have a ton of t-shirts that have been languishing in my closet (or drawers, laundry basket, storage bin, etc.) Yes, for someone who doesn’t wear t-shirts very often, I have any amazing number of them–race t-shirts, concert t-shirts, superhero t-shirts, and now I feel accomplished when they get worn.

I do miss getting all dolled-up for a night out, and wearing a girlie-girl sexy frou frou ensemble. And again, I know I could still do this for an at home date-night if it makes me happy–but getting dolled-up is also a pain in the ass, so thus far, I’ve been skipping it.

The details of my daily life have changed significantly in the last two months. Some changes stress me out and make me sad, some I like, many do all of these things at once. I can’t necessarily make sense of these changes or find deeper meaning in them, but I can at least notice them and how they make me feel.

I primarily do this by blogging and drinking… some things haven’t changed.

*…for only a few hours during Zoom church. I purchased it in the Before Times but today was its inaugural wearing.