Amy Lu's View

I didn’t know what a hosta was until I was in my mid-20’s.

My hosta ignorance made the B Dalton’s customer I was attempting to help rather hostile. She couldn’t quite believe I didn’t understand her question about where to find the hosta books (was “hosta” the author?)

No, I wasn’t mocking or gaslighting her–I just didn’t have any experience with or interest in anything related to gardening or landscaping. Really, I had nothing to do with plants–indoor or outdoor (unless an artificial Christmas tree counts). Yes, my dad loved his big-ass vegetable garden, but my goal was just to avoid spending any time in it. Gardening was hot, dirty, and between the bugs and the weeds, itchy.

I still feel pretty much the same way about gardening, although now I do have much more of an appreciation for the efforts and skills of others. I love admiring my neighbors’ flowers and am a big fan of homegrown vegetables. (Sadly, I didn’t even like to eat my dad’s vegetables–except tomatoes–when I was a kid. I was about as far from a vegetarian back then as I could be).

I even now know that we have several hostas in our yard (along with an impressive variety of weeds).

• 

• 

• 

My mom wasn’t interested in gardening, either (probably my role model whether intentional or not). In light of this, it was particularly irritating to me when a therapist I once saw to help me deal with her death suggested I try gardening to feel a connection with her. To be fair, that wasn’t all he said, and I was also not very receptive to getting help right then, but still, what a cliche. I felt like he was just spewing platitudes without really listening to me. I would have found it less ludicrious if he told me to take up pole dancing in her honor (although pole dancing wasn’t a common hobby 20 years ago).

Gardening (or NOT gardening) is on my mind as the summer wraps up and harvest time approaches, and I am inspired to tackle my next “Frog and Toad” blog post inspired by their story “The Garden.”

The recap: Toad decides to try gardening because he admires Frog’s garden, but he soon gets impatient when the seeds he plants don’t immediately grow. He tries to encourage them to grow by singing to them, reading poetry to them, playing music for them, and pole dancing for them (yes, just trying to see if my reader(s?) is/are paying attention). Frog finally tells Toad to chillax and leave the poor seeds alone, they do eventually grow, but Toad seems to decide gardening is too much work.

I definitely identify with Toad as he tries too hard to make his seeds grow. It’s not so much that I’m impatient, I’m (more or less) okay with waiting, but I just want to know how things are going to turn out. Are the seeds going to turn into plants or not?

But what I find most interesting is how fun all the things Toad does to make his garden grow seem. Singing, reading poetry, playing music–performing. Those activities are definitely more in my wheelhouse than gardening. And it makes me think about how I could benefit from focusing less on the outcome of my pursuits and being more appreciative of the process. Who knows if Toad’s performances helped his plants grow or not, but hopefully he enjoyed his artistic endeavors (even if they were hard work).

Maybe someday gardening will speak to me, if I start seeing the plants as a captive audience. (Still not sure how I can re-frame the f#$@*&%g bugs).

Yesterday was my Half Birthday.

Yay?

I don’t usually celebrate my Half Birthdays, which maybe is a missed opportunity since I make such a to-do out of my birthday proper. Or perhaps I am so all in on my actual birthdays that I get it mostly out of my system.

But this year was a Milestone Birthday, so perhaps a half milestone (50.5) deserves some additional recognition.

I think I’m more aware of my Half Birthday this year because time and life is just so surreal because of COVID-19. I can’t believe that almost 6 months have gone by since I and the rest of the general population became aware of COVID and it began to significantly impact everyone’s life.

Pausing to acknowledge that a whole half year has both flown and crept by since a life milestone (even if it is completely arbitrary) in “Unprecedented Times” seems right. I’m grateful, confused, anxious and perplexed–for and by everything of my first 50 years of life, and the weird .5 since then.

I’m thankful for the people who have been with me on this journey, even if I’ve only recently seen them via a computer screen or behind a mask. And I’m blessed to be healthy–not only COVID-free, but able to have my body mostly do what I want it to.

Because…wait for it…”I kick and I stretch and I’m 50!”

Okay, actually, I don’t kick or stretch…but I run and I…well, run, and that should be close enough.

And how did I NOT know about this Molly Shannon SNL bit until a friend just recently shared it with me? How did I almost let my Year of Turning 50 go by without capitalizing on this?! Okay, I think I was dimly aware of it from back in the day when it premiered, but since at that time 50 felt eons away, it didn’t click for me.

But NOW it’s clicked, and for the the last 6 months that I’m 50, I will try to kick (it) and stretch every day–even if, or perhaps especially, if it’s not literal but metaphorical (although I’m sure literal stretching, if done properly, would actaully be really good for me). And there are certainly many ways, big and small, that I can stretch myself (Using my Babbel app to learn some Spanish? Watching something without aliens, stand-up comics or superheroes?). I would also feel quite mighty if I could Kick It in a number of realms from work to putting away the laundry.

And maybe, just maybe, I”ll show up to some virtual meeting with you in a rockin’ red polyester pantsuit.

Before and After…

• 

• 

Our dog StanLee is adorable and sweet and lovable.

He can also be a complete asshole.

Chad and I know this, but we were still almost in tears when we recently had a bad “parent-teachers conference” with his doggy daycare. (We do not blame the teacher for saying this–she wasn’t mean or rude, just keeping it real). Simply put, StanLee is super anxious and insecure and often acts out by being obnoxious and aggressive with the other dogs (nothing dangerous but definitely annoying). The staff usually manage this by moving him from room to room (the “big” dogs are often able to put him in his place) and giving him time outs.

We weren’t really surprised by this. Frankly, we were surprised StanLee B. got to stay in doggy daycare in the first place. (During his first day of assessment we kept expecting them to call and say he was kicked out). But we were lulled into a false sense of security that his “rough playing” was working for the other dogs.

StanLee really wants to play with other dogs, so we’re sad he’s so bad at it. But we’re thankful that we can get him more training. Yes, StanLee is getting MORE training, this time with Leigh, the “teacher” we had our Come to Jesus talk with. (I’ve dubbed her “Sergeant Leigh”).

We (okay, Chad) actually were pretty successful with StanLee’s first round of intense training and made good progress, but he’s dealing with a lot. It’s like he did a Couch to 5K–which is great–but we want to get him to a Half Marathon. He’s got a lot to overcome in our quest to have him not be an asshole.

As part of his training regime, StanLee is now going to special socializing sessions on Sundays. Sergeant Leigh calls it “Sunday School.” It reminds me of puppy Breakfast Club.

StanLee seemed to really dig Puppy Sunday School, but unfortunately ripped a nail at the end of the day. He seems fine now but last night was a little tense as we made him wear a Cone of Shame and a Bootie of Frustration to keep him from licking it.

So we continue on our quest to help SLB be a Dog Who Is Not An Asshole Who Can Play With Other Dogs* and Go Out In Public and MAYBE One Day Meet Our Cats.

We’re open and optimistic… we’re even trying CBD oil with SLB (and who knows maybe we and the cats will try it to).

*OMG we have a new puppy neighbor who is a dachshund named Gus. I may die from cuteness overload.

Renewal.

I immediately think of that word in a library context. Renewing books (and other materials) is big in the library world. It’s important to patrons (and they can get a little testy about it) and it’s been important to me as a patron, too.

I’ve been thinking about “renewal” because our church recently started a story-telling initiative and the theme for the first week was “renewal.”

We were asked these questions as story prompts:

• Have you had an experience that changed your perspective?
• Have you met someone that helped you find a new way being in the world?
• Did you find purpose after a struggle?
• Did finding renewal mean that you had to start something over?

I didn’t actually share a story, but I did think of times, big and small, where I experienced renewal: My current temporary job promotion. Climbing a hill in Scotland and thinking I was in mortal danger (I wasn’t) from blowing off the hill. Running a marathon. Loving and living with Chad. The feeling after I dye my hair. Adopting StanLee. Joining MSUS. Panicking when I’ve forgotten my lines and then getting back on track. Getting back into running after having to take an injury-necessitated hiatus. Ziplining in Costa Rica. Cleaning out the refrigerator. Every time I go to a funeral that is a real and honest celebration of the life of someone who was loved. Watching this year’s DNC Convention. Using the Babbel app to learn Spanish and intending to do it more. Waking up to a new day and going for a run and “vowing” to make better food and alcohol choices in the future. Virtual performances of playing drums or playing piano and singing and intending to practice more. Decluttering. Shaving my legs. Readjusting how I spend my time and energy because of COVID. Reconnecting with friends. Unloading the dishwasher.

Looking back at these examples, I’m both inspired and disheartened. In many ways, renewals for me don’t really seem to stick. Yet, I keep trying and I do make incremental “progress.”

Even my overly literal interepretation of “renewal” in the context of library materials gives me something to think about. I often renew materials as long as I can without ever actually looking at them until the very last possible moment–the day before they are due after repeated renewals.

The prefix “re” means again…a word infused with both hope and frustration. Saying “I will do this again (start again)!” can be desperate, exciting, tired, purposeful.

One thing I know: I will blog again.

Chad considers this a perfectly prepared frozen pizza:

Yes, this is by any notion of objective reality that we can hope to discern as mortal beings, burnt.

Chad agrees that the pizza is burnt, he just considers the burtness a feature, not a bug.

My primary motivation for sharing this photographic evidence is because most people don’t get it when I say Chad likes burnt food. He really LIKES it and he likes it BURNT. No, he doesn’t require or even like that everything is burnt but it is definitely his preference for some things, most notably pizza.

This humble 12-inch $2.50 burnt offering (this is a Roma frozen pizza, Chad’s favorite, and yes it costs $2.50 which we both realize can’t be a good sign) also offers a chance to ponder how we try to make those we love happy.

It makes me remember how my mom used to try so hard to burn meals that she made for Chad. It went against every principle of food preparation that she held dear, but she would set aside portions of whatever hotdish or hotdish-adjacent concoction she was concocting and do her best to burn it just for Chad.

She rarely succeeded but he always appreciated the effort.

It also makes me think of the limitations of the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

We arrogantly tout that in the white West as the pinnacle of ethics and morality, but it doesn’t take a lot of reflection to realize that’s pretty self-invovled. I don’t want Chad (or anyone) to make me a burnt frozen pepperoni pizza (unless I’m REALLY drunk) and Chad certainly doesn’t want a standardly prepared pizza with artichoke hearts.

I think the Silver Rule (Do NOT do unto others what you would not have them to unto you) helps expand our behavioral repertoire but is also insufficient for all situations. (It is also quite arrogant and biased to call this the “Silver” rule since it is mostly based on Eastern religions).

Obviously, no one rule is going to cover all behavioral conundrums, just like no one type of pizza is going to make everyone happy.

But I think it would be really helpful if we paid more attention to people as individuals and what they actually want and need, and not just what we think they want/need/like based on what we want/need/like (rather consciously or unconsciously) or think they should want/need/like. We also shouldn’t reflexively condemn people for what they want/need/like unless we think about it and there is a really good reason to, and we should try to be open to learning from what others want/need/like. (Case in point: I don’t like my pizza as burnt as Chad but after 30 plus years of frozen pizza-related buying and preparing and eating and sometimes fighting–actually our second biggest fight ever was about frozen pizza–I DO like my pizza more burnt than I ever did).

Um, yeah, that’s not really much of a “rule” or even a “guideline” as a meandering…which I like. In fact, my rule is that I generally like meanderings much better than rules. And I think the most appropriate metal for anything related to me is probably aluminum (given all the pop I drink) so I think I just invented:

The Aluminum Meandering

-me, inventing a moral suggestion

It’s also a great band name.

I’ve never claimed to be a meteorologist, but I think thunder doesn’t only happen when it’s raining.

So just a moment, let me Google that…I’ll be right back.

[Virtual hold music…]

It doesn’t. There can be thunder without rain, at least according to the cursory search I just did. Yes, the search was half-assed and not worthy of a librarian, but since the results confirm my bias it’s worthy of a blogger and I’m going to run with it.

(Not going to get into the details of how/why/when thunder happens without rain, y’all can Google that yourselves if you care).

I only care about thunder without rain because I recently performed the songs “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac at our church’s virtual coffee house.

As a child of the seventies, I loved–and still love–that Fleetwood Mac song. I decided to do it for coffee house because I was pleasantly surprised to discover it only has two chords (more or less) and is in my vocal range (such that it is).

Performing the song gave me the opportunity to delve into the lyrics far more deeply than child Amy ever did–remember the interwebs weren’t widespread until I was almost 30. Okay, that does mean that I could have looked into the lyrics anytime in the last 20 years, so I must own not making that a priority.

As I expected, I was bemused my some of the lyrics but also totally blown away by others. Yes, a line by line commentary of my thoughts would be delightfully insightful, wouldn’t it? Here you go:

Amy’s Long And Rambling Dissection of the Lyrical Meaning, Relevance, and Significance of the Song “Dreams” by Stevie Nicks as performed by Fleetwood Mac

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down (Off to a good start, young Amy understood these lyrics–literally and figuratively, more or less)
It’s only right that you should
Play the way you feel it (Wow, this feels really contemporary, like “You do you!” And I never knew what these lyrics were before looking them up).
But listen carefully (Hmmm, don’t think I literally knew what Stevie was singing here, either…from now on, let’s just assume that I could NOT decipher Stevie’s vocal stylings)
To the sound of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost
And what you had
And what you lost

(Holy crap–that is amazing! Beautiful, haunting and heartbreaking. Did Stevie write this? I don’t think so…[quick Google break]…Wow, Stevie DID write it! Way to go, Stevie! Way to tell Lindsay to go F himself in a gorgeous way. And not to assume that everyone knows the Stevie Nicks/Lindsay Buckingham reference…oh, again, just Google it!)

Thunder only happens when it’s rainin’ (okay, here’s the lyrically infamous and meteorologically dubious but at least decipherable and certainly memorable line that I am certainly not the first person to make fun of )
Players only love you when they’re playin’ (I think even as a kid I wondered what type of players she was referring to–players in a band? Because we love you whenever you are giving us positive feedback, whether or not we’re playing at the time. I can’t speak to sports players, sexual players, gambling/game players, etc…)
Say women, they will come and they will go (So simple, but I never understood “Say women”…I thought it was “Say when, they were coming there going” which is more about lying that being fickle. And how many other people say “Say” as a way to start a thought besides my mother and Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney?)
When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know (Does anyone ever feel clean after being rained on? I always want to take a shower after that. Well, I guess I don’t know yet..)
You’ll know (Is this a promise or a threat?)

Now here I go again
I see the crystal visions (I still think this may be WITH crystal visions)
I keep my visions to myself (Sorry, going to go perhaps a little too serious but this reminds me of when my dad had hallucinations but was savvy enough not to tell others about them)
It’s only me who wants to wrap around your dreams (Love this, don’t know what it means…she wants to protect him unlike those other coming and going women who only love him when it thunders?)
And have you any dreams you’d like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had (Again, beautiful, poignant–I knew “Rumors” was full of relationship drama but had no idea it was so poetic, and of course loss doesn’t have to be only about ending relationships. Bonus points for successfully using “mad” instead of “crazy” feels–elegant)

And what you lost
And what you had
Ooh, what you lost

• 

• 

I was sincerely, mostly unabashedly into this song while I was singing it. Listening to the recording (fortified by alcohol) I realize my performance was not as good as it seemed to me in the moment, but I played it the way I felt it.

And Chad even played guitar with me (don’t worry, there’s no art imitating life with the Stevie/Lindsay dynamic at play here).

“Luedtke has been with the Hennepin County Library system for more than two decades”

Description of me from a local television interview

I’m proud that I’ve been a librarian with Hennepin County Library for over twenty years (my 21st anniversary is in September) and I feel extremely fortunate to have the job I do.

Still, it was a little disconcerting when I was recently interviewed on a local Twin Cities television station to hear the announcer state “Luedtke has been with the Hennepin County Library system for more than two decades” in a voiceover (https://www.kare11.com/article/news/education/hennepin-county-libraries-ready-to-pick-up-bigger-role-as-distance-learning-approaches-in-fall/89-6debc869-4468-4014-a9b6-22073f9c5106).

My brother suggested the Amy “2 Decades” Luedtke moniker in a text and asked if Amy “4 score” Luedtke is in the future. (Not unless I make some major lifestyle changes and/or there are technological breakthroughs).

• 

• 

• 

Compelling as the public attention focused on my age/experience and the merriment it caused my sibling is, it was actually NOT the point of the interview.

The point was all the amazing online and virtual resources our library system has for students, educators, and caregivers and the amazing staff who work at libraries across our county to serve them.

Thankfully, I think I did an okay job sharing this message in a relatively articulate manner that wasn’t too strange and off-putting.

I love attention (as everyone knows), so I had a fun time doing the interview. Yes, I was extremely nervous but that’s always part of the excitement of a “performance.” The reporter and camera man were nice and supportive and I had our Communications Director there for much appreciated moral support (yes, meeting my co-worker for the first time in person because of COVID).

Yes, I wish I had managed to look a little more chic and glamorous but I didn’t have a whole lot of time to prepare. I did like the dress I was wearing and it was fun to have my first opportunity to wear the “professional” dress that Chad got me before lockdown hit, and the interviewer recognized it was an Everlane brand (TBTL podcast shoutout) dress! However it was a little bunchy because I was sitting down.

My hair was a mess which I could blame on lockdown but that’s really just how I handle my hair.

Actually it was a good thing I was notified about the interview rather last minute so I didn’t have too much time to obsess about it. My biggest emotional/spiritual/psychological turmoil came from driving in downtown Minneapolis. Mistakes were made. Let’s just leave it at that. No one was injured and my spectacular failure in driving downtown put things in perspective–no one was likely to die from my interview.

But I’ll say it again–all my vain obsessing aside, the interview wasn’t really about me at all but our wonderful library resources and staff and how they can help our public. And since I have been immersed in this wonder for more than 2 decades, I was hopefully able to share the story that I honestly am proud of.

Still, I’m immensely appreciative of the people who saw the story and gave me positive feedback and support (and I don’t believe in a statue of limitations on praise).

Just don’t ask me what the Dewey Decimal classification number is for narcissim.