Amy Lu's View

Free time does make me jittery.

I get overwhelmed by choice and possibility. There is just so much I could and should and want to do, so where do I start? I start to feel guilty and stressed and grumpy about not using my time wisely.

I think it’s lovely that many people are trying to make the most of their unexpected free time caused by COVID-19 isolation and sheltering, but I find the sense of expectation a little overwhelming. I’m not sure I can learn a new instrument or take up meditation, much less clean out some clutter.

So assuming I do actually settle down and feel like I have some free time, here is a list of things that I would like to do, and it’s pleasant to think about doing, but I’m putting absolutely NO pressure on myself to do.

• Latch hook
• Read the magazines I’ve been hoarding
• Read/skim some nonfiction books I’ve been hoarding
• Color–I have so many awesome books
• Start strength training with my arms
• Use Babbel app to learn un poco Spanish (Chad got me a subscription over years ago)
• Practice drums
• Practice keyboards

And yes, okay, declutter the house.

*I feel compelled to acknowledge that I have another completely unrelated post with almost the same title and I didn’t do it on purpose and I don’t know if that’s sad or awesome.

I ran out of time to blog yesterday.

Wait, how did I possibly run out of time when all my activities have been canceled? And I’m used to having a lot of schedule commitments. But now I have no rehearsals for plays or bands…no performances to be in or attend…no going out for dinner or meeting up for drinks with friends. I don’t even have to spend time on commuting or getting dressed for work (although deciding on comfortable and warm WFH fashion for video meetings is surprisingly time consuming.) I’ve actually felt pretty busy since I’ve officially not had anything to do.

Time is weird. Maybe we (or just me) always find things to fill our time and feel busy–a variation of Parkinson’s Law. Our activities expand to fill whatever we time we have.

I’m sure I also feel like I don’t have much free time because work has been pretty intense since the time of COVID-19, and I’m working more and in more concentrated blocks of time. I think I’m also more distracted and preoccupied and obsessed (by emotions and news and preoccupation with the apocalypse and canceled vacation plans) so it probably takes me longer to accomplish things.

Also, because I can’t run or go to the gym, I am spending a huge amount of time just trying to burn a small amount of calories so I can keep drinking wine and booze and eating crackers and cheese. As previously bitched about (and I’m sure I will bitch about it some more) there are a LOT of minutes (feels like lifetimes) spent on our F%^# ing exercise bike and walks.

On the plus side, I’ve also been spending more time assembling vegetables (“cooking”) and having meals with and talking to Chad, and reaching out and connecting (virtually) to friends, families and our church community.

StanLee B would like to go on the record by saying I have NOT been spending more time giving him the attention he deserves (although he does enjoy online meetings–for work and social reasons) or letting him play with cats.

Once again, I’m mining the 8th grade Values Journal.

This entry is a good old fashioned tear-jerker, and least for me. The assignment was to write a “Letter of Respect” and this is what I wrote to my now-deceased-for-20-years mother:

Dear Mom,

Although it might now always seem like it, I do respect you. Not just because you’re my mother, but for different reasons. One of the reasons I do respect you though is becuase you are my mother and I love you. I also respect you because you always have time for other people, even though you work and are busy. I respect you because you don’t let people push you around. You aren’t afraid to stick up for yourself and others. I know that I have someone that will stand behind me when I’m in trouble that will try to help me. I know that you love me and have always tried to do your best for me. I want you to know that I appreciate what you have done for me and that I love and respect you.

Well. Damn.

Obviously, I was a pretty lucky kid to know that I had my mom in my corner (Even though she would frequently say something like “I don’t know why people think I’m so tough/feisty when I’m so easy-going” when she was really tough as hell and scared everybody–in a really awesome way).

I can only hope that my mom had some inkling of how much I appreciated, respected, and loved her.

I really love that I gave my mom a shoutout for having time for other people. I’m impressed I clued in on this as a 13-year-old, and it’s something I want to emulate–even if it’s only making time to try and be concerned.

My mom was busy teaching second grade, going to the hair saloon to get her hair dyed, shopping (with a 45-minute drive time one way), making coffee for my grandpa, taking care of numerous free-range pets, attending endless numbers of my band and choir concerts and chaperoning “sock hops” (even though I never had a date), setting our bread centerpieces and exploding cans of Diet Coke, and bitching about where she lived and about and at my dad–but she always had time for people. Not just her family, friends, and students, but even strangers she ran into at Shop-Ko. (#SorryNotSorryLotsOfInsideJokesForMySister)

I discovered a gold mine of nostalgia yesterday while attempting to clean out junk in our upstairs: My “Values Journal” from 8th grade history class (I didn’t actually do much cleaning).

As you can imagine, laughters and tearing-up ensued.

I’m including actual shots of my entries (Hey, I could be a digital archivist!) This will allow you to marvel at my beautiful, ginormous handwriting. If you click on the images you should be able to read the entries: “Obituary” and “Daydreams.”

Some things that strike me about 8th grade Amy:

• I really, really, really wanted to be a VJ on MTV–this was 1983–but luckily, I wasn’t delusional enough to think that was very likely.
• On the other hand, my aspirations were rather modest. If I could live anywhere in the world? Augusta (maybe I actually wanted to live in the “city” and not out in the country?) Daydream #8: To have hair that styles without being curled or blow dryed.
• Speaking of daydreams, I only achieved a few of them: I got an “A” on the journal; for about 5 years in my 40’s I could see without glasses or contacts after I had Lasik; and I never had to take gym after college. But I really knocked it out of the park in achieving my #1 Daydream: To be able to get cable stations, especially MTV. I guess Chad and I really WERE meant to be!
• The most beautiful or enjoyable experience I’d ever had: Going to Valley Fair. That makes me laugh and cry.
• Speaking of crying, I said the three people who could make me upset (in this order) were my brother, my sister, and my mother. I think that’s an honor.
• I liked “Remington Steele” as much as “Friday Night Videos”?! I know I liked it but I don’t remember liking it that much!
• Something that hasn’t changed are “Two things you are good at”: Playing the drums and spending money.

In some ways, I really haven’t changed that much in 37 years. At the end of my first entry, I wrote, “Some of the things that are important to me are religious faith, my family, and my friends. I think people are important, and that trying to be concerned about them is too.”

I love how I wrote trying to be concerned about people…talk about managed expectations! Forget about actually being concerned, or having empathy, or loving other people, much less actually doing something to help them, I just wanted to be concerned.

I find young Amy’s realism and self-honesty refreshing and inspiring. Or maybe this was just Gen-X rural German lowkeyness. Whatever, I appreciate a goal I feel I can actually aspire to right now.

Let me start with acknowledging that I am extremely lucky, and that I’m grateful for so many things.

Now…commence the whining!

I’ve made it through my first work week of “quarantine.”

Whew.

I’ve tried not to blog too much about COVID-19 or my experiences as our world grapples with it. Just like when it comes to political affairs, I know I don’t have much that is helpful or insightful to add, and I don’t want to be insensitive or hurtful or offensive, at least not unintentionally.

But I can’t completely ignore it either, especially as I’m trying to blog every day for 50 days. I’m definitely going to run out of topics if I don’t let COVID-19 into my blog.

Here are some highly personal and inconsequential reflections as I chillax (whatever that means between bouts of pandemic panic) after my first week of working completely at home and not venturing out. (I’ve only been to the gym once–rushed there on Monday night before they shut down–and Target once).

I’m so lucky that I have a job and that I can work completely and productively from home. I’m lucky that I was already working from home fairly often, so am basically used to it and have all the IT I need. I’m lucky that my colleagues and people I supervise are also used to working from home.

Still, working at home entirely with no forrays into a physical workspace is really strange. I’ve lost all sense of time. I eat WAY too many chips. StanLee B frequently loses his mind because more people are out walking and walking their dogs. Thank heavens he was still able to do his day at puppy daycare so the cats I had one day of calm.

This week at work has been pretty intense and I’m rather frazzled. I love my job and am so impressed by my colleagues and love that I am doing important work, but this is a lot to process. Our situation at work has been changing constantly this week. I need to be as patient and open and calm as I can.

In fact work has been so busy, that I haven’t really kept up with the news this week. Needless to say, I was unpleasantly surprised today to hear and read just how scary the COVID-19 news is. Yes, I knew it was serious, but DAMN.

I’m not a fan of social isolation, but, at least for now, I’m suffering as much–if not more–from cabin fever. Quarantine-light would be easier if the weather was more cooperative, and/or I could successfully run. Yes, I’m still dealing with ongoing nerve and/or muscle issues in my thigh, so I’ve had to content myself with a short limpy run/walk every day in mostly crappy weather. (Yes, I do realize I used 3 “/’s” in one short paragraph. Love/hate?)

I really, really, really miss being able to go to the gym and use an elliptical. My daily cardio workouts now consist of the aforementioned limpy run/walk supplemented by slow rides on our stationary bike and a lot of walking in place while swinging my arms wildly in our little kitchen.

I didn’t know how to illustrate this post, so I just included a totally staged WFH selfie, carefully showing off my HCL mug (another mug selfie!) And you can see some of my grey roots. Not that I can’t dye my own hair–I always do, so this is not a result of salons closing. But dyeing my hair is a huge pain in the ass so why would I when Chad, StanLee and the cats don’t care about the state of my hair and they’re the only fellow beings I see? And I don’t think my roots are showing up in virtual meetings…yet. And if they do, maybe it makes me look like I really AM working hard.

*I’ve never read, or intend to read “Love in the Time of Cholera,” and I totally judge you for drinking a Corona.

I am very happy and thankful to report that I had a successful Target run today, all things considered.

Admittedly, I was not hoping to buy toilet paper. I didn’t even look to see if they had toilet paper out of curiousity, as I was in a bit of a time crunch and making a run on my late lunch break.

We are pretty secure in our toilet paper supply. We were starting to get a little nervous earlier in the week until Chad found some at Target on Tuesday. Then today we got our Grove natural household subscription order with 8 more rolls (bamboo, even!).

We’ve been really fortunate and successful so far in finding the Chamy provisions we want during the time of COVID-19. (Is it too morbid and melodramatic to say I’m a little worried that I’m going to look back on this post in the not-too-distant future while munching on stale cat food?) I’m sure much of our success is due to timing and luck, but I also think we aren’t necessarily looking for the groceries that others are stocking up on. There hasn’t seemed to be a run on fresh vegetables (I’m being smug, aren’t I? #OwnIt).

I also want to give a shout-out to our Fridley Target. They seem to be making a good faith effort to keep things clean and sanitized and managing their stock.

We’ve encounterd empty egg and yogurt shelves but found them on subsequent trips.

We have had some trouble finding unseasoned, unsauced frozen vegetables (seems like those would be good things to have on hand if our fresh vegetable luck runs out) but I was pretty successful today. I did almost have a heart attack at first because they rearranged the store (not sure in response to COVID-19 shopping trends or not) and I thought Target was selling frozen sugar snap peas for $8.99 package. Fortunately, I realized they had moved the stock but not the price tags, and that was the price for frozen chicken.

I’m especially lucky that I’ve been able to find most of the groceries I want because I am extremely picky about the type and brands of food I want to eat. Even under normal conditions, I often can’t find what I want at Lund’s or Trader Joe’s because they don’t carry the chemical-laden lower calorie products I crave.

Target was out of some of my favorites today, but I think that was mostly just normal shopping karma. I find it unlikely that people are hoarding tofu (yet?!)

Okay it’s only had one contest, but my booby is victorious.

While I believe there was some famous sports event that was cancelled because of COVID-19, (apparently March Madness doesn’t refer to any of my birthday celebrations), March Mammal Madness has proceeded. (March Mammal Madness is something we take part in because Chad’s friend and law partner, Emmet, organizes it at their work.) And my pick, the Red-Footed Booby, won its first match of the first bracket.

Now you may know or have noticed that the Red-Footed Booby is a bird. So not actually a Mammal.

So I don’t really know how a bird won a Mammal fight. Oh I could know, I just didn’t pay attention. Per usual, I can’t be bothered with rules.

And because I couldn’t be bothered to learn about the March Mammal Madness or spend time considering my picks, the Booby is only nominally my choice. Chad chose all my picks and went with the Booby for me because, well, booby. He not only choose the Booby for my first bracket choice, but chose it to go all the way. With my sophisticated sense of wit, of course that would be my choice.

#MadeOurselvesForEachOther

Happy National Awkward Moments Day!

Yes, I Googled in desperation to find an innocuous holiday I could blog about.

Boy (Girl) did I luck out!

Yes, I could belatedly post about Pi Day, but I don’t really have opinions, experience or knowledge about baking or math.

I DO have experience with awkwardness though…both giving and receiving. In fact, it’s so common, this may actually be hard to blog about because it’s hard to think of awkward moments that stand out.

There are the classic gold standard moments, such as when I flipped over in my desk the first day of a freshman college geography class.

And the recent, everyday moments when I think I am wearing a classy, professional and appropriately sexy ensemble and then notice an iron print mark on my pencil skirt.

I think I’ve blogged before about aspiring to have no shame, because shame can often just feed our egos. In other words, we often freak out about our social faux pas because we’re too fixated on ourselves and imagine we’re the main character of everyone else’s story. No one else really cares that much about us so it doesn’t matter if we’re an ass (unless we actually hurt someone with our thoughtless comments or actions).

• 

• 

But celebrating awkwardness feels less self-involved. It’s more about celebrating our mutual humanness and weirdness and feeling uncomfortable in the moment.

And to keep it slightly topical, working at home and having virtual meetings provides a lot of awkward moments…from talking away when your microphone is muted, to being the only person not using video because you’re still in pajamas and not wearing makeup, to having your cute little dog losing his puppy mind and barking like a banshee in the background.

Of course blogging provides opportunities for awkwardness, like not having a good post conculsion…

It’s not only St. Patrick’s Day and Day #7 (?total guess there) of “Shut It Down It America,” (#TBTL) but it’s my mom’s birthday.

If my mom was still alive she would be 84. She died almost 20 years ago. I miss her at moments big and small (she never got to experience any of my mid-life crisis acting or band performances).

I do NOT miss her experiencing COVID-19.

Or maybe I do in a weirdly perverse, darkly comic way.

I know imagining my mom living during the COVID-19 pandemic is an absurd thought exercise. Am I thinking of my 64-year-old mother from 2000 alive now or my imaginary 84-year-old who never was (at leaast not in this timeline?) Or some amalgamation of the two realities?

I don’t know, but I do know if my mother was in “quarantine” with my father out in the tundra of Wisconsin there would be HELL TO PAY.

I also can’t imagine my mother dealing with social isolation very well. “I’ve lived my whole life in social isolation!” she would cry.

This is NOT to say that she would support Trump in any way. She would NOT blame immigrants for COVID-19 or think she should drink bleach. The pandemic CLEARLY (whether he was still alive or not) be my dad’s fault (All those chemicals he used on his garden? All the drinking he did? All those “questionable” satellite TV shows he watched? All that fatty bacon he bought?). She would probably also be pinning her hopes on Chad to save us.

She would care tremendously about her students when the schools closed. (Yes, my 84-year-old mother would have kept teaching unless Wisconsin has instituted mandatory retirement in the last 20 years). She would care about the people who own or work at restaurants and other small businesses. She worry care about the people who don’t have housing that no longer have a public library or any place else to go (but would want them to stay the hell away from me).

She would be convinced I’ve been in peronal contact with everyone in Minnesota who has been diagnosed with COVID-19.

She would regale us all of tales of her youth and growing up without toilet paper and being thrilled to get the Sears catalog and cartons of peaches (peach paper is super soft).

She would be anxious, and she would be exasperating, and she would be hilarious (unintentionally), and she would be brave and loving and strong.

Well, I just made myself cry (in the rural German Lutheran sense that I have some slight evidence of moisture in my eyes) so I’m going to stop now. Let’s all find our inner Colleen people.